Preserve the English Language

I have issues. Issues with people who can't seem to bring themselves to pronounce their words correctly. Believe me, I am far from the worst grammar nazi you will ever meet (basic subject-verb agreement will do just fine thank you) but what I am about to show you are blatant attacks on the English language, the victim of these instances of utter stupidity.

It's...

"CHEVY" not "CHIVY"

"IHOP" not "ODDHOP"

"MISSOURI" not "MISSOURA"

"CHESS" not "CHEST"

"VALENTINES" not "VALENTIMES"

"WASH" not "WARSH"

"WINDOW" not "WINDA"

"WREATH" not "REEF"

"LIBRARY" not "LIBARY"

"ASKED" not "AXED"

"ESPECIALLY" not "ECSPECIALLY" (Similarly, "ESCAPED" not "ECSCAPED")

And lastly, just say the damn word without all of the "LOL I just LMAO and OMG you're like my BFF forever... TTYL!"


I've heard many other sad examples like these lately, but being as uberly ADD and absent-minded as I am can't think of them right now. So now I'm off to do the laundry and clean the dishes I was supposed to have taken care of yesterday, but forgot. Procrastination... it's an addictive habit. Don't start.

Knocked Up

This is a new romantic comedy that's going to be coming out soon. I think it looks funny.

HD-DVD anti-DRM T-Shirt

Recently, the hex code used as a key in the DRM of most if not all HD-DVDs to date has been found by the technological community. In light of this, websites across the web have been posting, copying, and showing off this sequence of characters in base 16. Many of them are receiving DMCA notices, forcing them to take down the "offending content." I ordered this shirt to show support for DRM-free and restriction-free content & you should too.

Shrek the Third

I love Shrek! Go see Shrek the Third.

Overheard at the Grocery Store

I had to make another trip to the store today, this time to get some film developed. If you've read my previous posts (namely the one two days ago) you'd probably gather that very odd things seem to happen to me when I decide to go shopping. They do.

Two young girls, probably in their early twenties, were standing in the check-out line when one of them turned to the other and said in a tone she might use to talk about her nail polish, “I haven’t heard from Christine today. I guess she overdosed.”

Do you think one of the reasons Christine might have overdosed is that the friends in her life, when struck with the possibility that she might be DEAD, do not check to make sure she is fine and instead hit the grocery store to buy some Gatorade?!

I think this might quite possibly be God's way of telling me to limit my store visits.

My Simple Pledge

Have you ever noticed how fast time seems to fly by you? In youth we seek comfort in living in the moment, in knowing that there will always be a tomorrow should something go wrong today. We take for granted everything we have so much that we fail to realize the possibility that it might not be there forever. We fail to realize that it's in those plain, mundane moments that we make the memories we'll carry with us for the rest of our lives.

I suppose I'm having this reflection because I'm in one of them right now; my humongous goofball of a little sister has me almost rolling over on the floor laughing. I was just taking a few minutes to check my e-mail and happened to be listening to "Come Away With Me" on my laptop. It was in the middle of this song that I happen to like very much that I suddenly hear Kathryn blurt from the kitchen: "Run away from me, in the ni-iiight, run away from me...." Needless to say, I was highly amused.

I realize that as time progresses some regret is inevitable; I do not, however, want that to define my life or let it decide my level of happiness. With that said, I will hereby make this simple pledge: to appreciate everything precious to me; to make sure everyone I love knows that I do every single day; to make time for the truly important; to bite my tongue when I want to run my mouth; to hold my head high when I feel like breaking down; to take chances; to laugh as loud as I want; to smell the roses along the way; to enjoy dancing to the music, even with the knowledge that the song eventually has to end.

Blame, Misperception, & Balance

Today I was standing in a store, and two old ladies passed me in the narrow aisle. As they passed, I smelled ... yes, fart. And then they kept right on moving.

Damn, those old ladies farted in my aisle! I was still looking at hot sauces, but the smell was strong enough to make me give up and leave. And just as I was leaving, a teenage boy walks by, sniffs and turning around, gives me "the look."

"No, wait, it wasn't me, it was old women!"

But I didn't think he'd believe me, so the rebuttal went unyelled. I gave the hot sauces a cursory glance as I left the aisle, cursing my unluckiness to be standing in an old woman fart zone and get branded with the misdeed.

I was almost free of the aisle when the boy returned with a friend; they looked at me and laughed. Man, was I pissed. My friend Rachel (with whom I was shopping) came back and I pulled her to the side, eager to set the record straight. "Hey, listen. These two old women walked by and farted and this guy walked by after they were gone and thought it was me and then he told his friend and they both walked by again and blamed me for a fart that wasn't even my fault." She could still smell it, so we left the zone.

We continued shopping and turned into another aisle. There they were: the old fart ladies. I gestured in an incredibly obvious way that those were the women who passed off their fart guilt on me. Rachel nodded, understanding, and we passed. I didn't say anything, although I definitely had a few comments in my brain, yet nothing I thought might make the situation better. I mean, it wasn't exactly their fault...

We finished shopping and entered a checkout line. There they were: the guys who blamed me for the fart! I gestured in a very subtle way that those were the guys who blamed me for the fart. Rachel nodded, understanding, and they left. I didn't say anything. Again, I definitely had a few comments in my brain, but nothing I thought might make the situation better. I couldn't exactly blame them...

We put our items in her car and waited for our companions, who were a few minutes behind us. Unwilling to drop the subject, I continued to bemoan my fate: not only did I have to deal with an unpleasant fart odor in a public place, but I was blamed for it, though truly blameless.

Our companions came out, and we drove off. As we left the parking lot, one (who shall remain nameless) started telling this funny story about how he was in the aisle next to the hot sauces and let out this raunchy fart, and the other people in the aisle blamed his girlfriend instead of him.

What?! It was him all along! I'd incorrectly blamed two old women, two teenage boys had incorrectly blamed me, two other customers had incorrectly blamed his girlfriend, and he just thought it was so frigging funny he had to tell us all about it. It is for this exact reason (that the universe has an uncanny ability of making bad things happen to good people) why I have such issues with Karma, which I would otherwise be perfectly content in incorporating into my belief system. I mean, I am most certainly not one to claim complete innocence, but..... grrrrr!


p.s. Travis Gray is hereby prohibited from leaving comments or giving me a lecture on how Karma is so evident in our everyday lives.

2008 Republican Candidates Info.

I don't know if any of you have payed any attention to the 2008 Republican presidential candidates (I've already backed Democratic candidate Sen. Barack Obama) but here's a quick rundown of what the three frontrunners political beliefs are as opposed to what church they attend; Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, & Mitt Romney are included. And yes, it might appear as though Giuliani's about as much of a Republican as Joe Lieberman is a Democrat, but I do respect the man for standing up for what he believes in rather than kissing his party's ass.

Abortion

RG - favors allowing
JM - against
MR - against

Amnesty for Illegal Aliens

RG - favors
JM - favors
MR - against

Death Penalty

RG - favors
JM - favors
MR - favors

Gay rights (marriage, etc.)

RG - favors
JM - against
MR - against

Gun control

RG - favors
JM - against
MR - favors

Iraq

RG - stay there
JM - stay there
MR - stay there

Patriot Act

RG - favors
JM - favors
MR - favors

High military spending

RG - favors
JM - favors
MR - favors

School prayer

RG - against
JM - favors
MR - favors

Tax cuts

RG - favors
JM - favors
MR - favors

My Mild Hick State: A Ponderance on Evolution

Alright, so I live in Kansas. Yeah, ok, go ahead and laugh it up; I readily admit that in and of itself is hilarious. Having said that, this mild hick state that I reside in isn't particularly known for its support of the teaching of evolution in public schools (otherwise known as the teaching of SCIENCE). Nope - instead of teaching that, we'd rather give our students an extra dose of Sunday school lessons during the week to boost extra moral fiber. A little while back, however, we evolutionists finally got our way. Thank God. (Did'ja catch the pun?) Still, I find the message inside our educational textbooks increasingly interesting:

"This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered."

I can just hear the school board meeting:

"Dear, sweet God in Heaven (who strategically placed dinosaur skeletons to weed out unbelievers!) we're practically admitting that we encourage students to carefully consider the material that other districts expect them to brainlessly absorb. No college is going to accept a student who thinks about things: imagine how much extra work it would be! This is a disaster!"

Whatever your take on the issue, you have to admit that's pretty damned F.U.B.A.R.ED.

(It should be duly noted, however, that the author of this blog entry, a crazy lady named Bridget, does believe in an "intelligent design" of sorts - but that is what she attends church on Sundays for, and bringing such things into a school environment would expose more of a nice human being than she could handle. This would bring about disastrous consequences - it is better that you continue to appreciate her for the sarcastic bitch that you know her as.)

Graduation Party & London Dilemma

So I went to James Farmer's graduation party Friday night. At first it was somewhat odd, because while a few of us had already arrived James hadn't come home from a job interview yet. His mother was very hospitable and welcoming - the spitting image of her daughter Jessica, in fact, whom I knew through a high school play I did a couple years back. It turned out to be a pretty enjoyable night; since most of us knew each other relatively well conversation was low key & pleasant, with that bit of strange humor that we all seem to always bring to the table.

One talk I remember having with my friend Andrew was about the London trip that we'll be embarking on June 4th. On the trip, two optional excursions are being offered: 1)Stratford & Oxford, and 2)Stonehenge & Bath. The latter I had just HAD to purchase because I would NEVER pass up an opportunity to visit Shakespeare's house. But the former? I mean, granted, I know I should be historically appreciative and everything, but when it really comes down to it... they're just stones sticking out of the ground! What's more, you aren't allowed any closer than nearly a football field away, and there's a gift shop over the hill that sucks up any magic of a site potentially capable of communicating with aliens built by an ancient people.

Having said that, I was then told of the alternative that would be offered me while the others had fun looking at the stones in the ground, something that I hadn't previously thought about... if I didn't go, I would be spending an entire day with Ms. Montgomery (Monty) - alone! From then on I realized that God in fact does exist, and he must hate me. It's not like any of us students don't know her very well or that we're uncomfortable with her in any way. What makes my choice difficult for me to make is twofold: for one, me being alone with one of my teachers is slightly strange, even if it is Monty. Second, some of my friends going on the trip & also associated with her in school sometimes tease me (either because it gets on my nerves so much or, GOD FORBID, it's true) through calling me "Mini-Monty" and claiming that she & I share certain similar characteristics. Nothing, by the way, makes my blood boil more than comparing so much of myself to someone else and thereby robbing me of my individuality - it's mine! Being similar to another person is one thing, but I am NOT and NEVER WILL BE a clone of my teacher! So that's my dilemma. I just don't want to have to give up valuable spending money for something that I'm not particularly excited about... would it instead even be remotely possible to just enjoy a day shopping in London & forget who it's with?

Karaoke

“I’m thinking I want to sing ‘Faith’ by George Michaels.”

“George Michaels?”

“Yes. George Michaels.”

“There’s no S on Michael, Maggie. His name is George Michael.”

“When did he change his name?”

“He didn’t. It’s always been George Michael. It would only be George Michaels if there were two of him.”

“And there is only one.”

“Just one.”

“Wouldn’t it be great if there were two of him? Because then we could have had WHAM! without the lame guy.”

The 20 Laws of Golfing

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all her playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified she deems herself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.