The Wrath of the Indian Monkeys

Tonight (since my insomnia has taken over yet again) I would like to talk about something that threatens, well, none of us... unless you are reading this blog in Delhi.

Apparently, there is a massive monkey menace in Delhi, India, where they are being overrun with evil monkeys. Sure, you might read that and think, “What, are they throwing crap and doing things that crazy little monkeys do?”

Nope. They threw the deputy mayor of Delhi from his terrace, giving him a serious head injury that led to his death. I shit you not, this is totally real. In India it is forbidden to kill monkeys for religious purposes. This. coupled with the fact that people have been feeding monkeys in order to obtain divine rewards, has led to a rise of unruly monkeys. How out of control have these monkeys been?

"Monkeys have invaded government ministries in New Delhi, ridden elevators andclimbed along windowsills. Monkeys slapped students inside a girls school in asouth Bengal suburb. A gang of monkeys in the city of Chandigarh ripped uplawns, broke flowerpots and yanked sheets off beds. Some monkeys, mostly loners, have bitten people, injuring and even killing small children."

Wait. Read that over - they went into a school and slapped the students around? Is that not the funniest thing you've ever read??

Teacher: Jane, why were you late for class?
Jane: A monkey just kicked the shit out of me.
Teacher: Sure Jane, sure...

So what do you do with unruly monkeys that you can't kill? Send them to monkey jail, of course! But none of this has really worked and Delhi is losing its battle against the rouge monkeys. You know what, I don't even have a solution to offer up. I was going to say that I could create a band of freedom fighters that would come and take care of the monkey problem. Maybe I could even wear a cool eye patch and have the latest in military technology to fight the monkeys. But, after thinking about it, why the hell would I want to do that? I am waiting for the inevitable monkey car theft or perhaps even plane theft. Or the story about how someone went to buy an ice cream and the only people working were monkeys, which of course would only dish out banana ice cream.

So India, I beg you: continue your no killing of monkey policies. You can learn to co-exist with them, and and they can continue to be productive members of society. Woo-hoo.