Ninja Strategery

I just had a stunning revelation. At first I thought myself stupid for not thinking of this earlier. But then I realized that I must be the first person to have thought of this, because obviously if someone else had it would already have happened.

The thought I had was this: Why isn't the Army using more ninjas? Just think about it: the Army is presently involved in a war that was scheduled to end several years ago, one that wasn't even originally billed as a war. They are apparently struggling with an insurgency and a nation in danger of destabilization. You see, Iraqis have a different definition of "greeting as liberators" than Americans do. In their culture this term means fire-bombing, flag burning, and rocket launching. This is merely a cultural difference, and one that our traditional Army may not be trained or equipped to handle.

But the problem does not lie with the U.S. soldiers in Iraq; in fact, they are very talented men and women who perform their jobs very well. I have watched quite a few documentaries on the Marines and the Navy SEALS (The Rock, The Marine, G.I. Jane) and they share many similar traits with ninjas. The one quality that our Marines and SEALS possess that a ninja does not, however, is sympathy. As the Iraqi insurgents place bombs under our soldiers' trucks, our men are taken aback by their sweet gestures. They think "Oh look, how thoughtful. He is greeting me as a liberator by killing my friends." And then instead of stopping the bomber by putting one swift bullet into his head, he merely takes him captive and tortures him. If ninjas were in Iraq, that son of bitch would have been dead before he woke up that morning.

Which then brings up another issue that would be cleared up if the Army relied soley on ninjas: torture. Ninjas don't torture. Perhaps they might if they had time, but unfortunately their victim was dead after the very first blow. In fact, by ninja standards, "torture" is when it takes two shots to kill a man instead of one.


Another benefit to adding ninjas to the U.S. Army is that the Draft would no longer be necessary. For a war like the one we are having in Iraq, you'd need like 5, maybe 6 ninjas at most. This would allow Cindy Sheehan to cool her jets and enjoy some much needed family time (at home).


Having ninjas as our only soldiers would also make the President's job significantly easier and less stressful. If the American people demanded to know what the troops were doing, the President could hold a press conference and the only reply he'd have to offer would be, "I don't have a clue as to what they're doing. They're ninjas, you know? They're very secretive. Hard to keep track of. They're strategery is beyond me!" And everyone would be like, "Oh, yeah... that's a good point."


In addition, ninjas are extremely effective nation builders. One night the people of Iraq would go to sleep, and the next morning they'd wake up, look out their windows (or bomb holes) and... DEMOCRACY!


Admittedly, I'm not exactly sure what it's going to take to round up the ninjas we are looking for. Maybe Chuck Norris has some sort of special Ninja whistle that only ninjas can hear. I don't know. All I'm saying is let's stop wasting our time looking for alternative fuels, and see if we can't find an alternative soldier.