Yesterday whilst channel surfing, I stopped on a cooking show on the Food Network called "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee." The woman, through the act of enunciating of her words, indicated she was suffering from a major bout of Fucking Retardosis that made Rachel Ray look like the president of MENSA, but that wasn't really the point. She was making oven-baked hot dogs wrapped in bacon.
Now, I know that some of you are going "Holy sodium nitrites, Batman!" or "Holy Mother of Mohammed, where can I get some of that??" (For the record, I was thinking both.) As a gluttonous American, I love hot dogs and I love bacon, but I make no notions at all that either thing is actually healthy. Putting the two together just sounds, well, awesome. In that ass-fattening kind of way.
But leave it to our creative hostess, Sandra Lee, to actually spin the bacon-wrapped hot dog entree as something worth eating for NUTRITIONAL reasons! "Oh, the kids are gonna just eat this up! And it's a GREAT way to get some protein into them!" Wow. You know, if I was concerned about a kid's protein intake, I could think of about a dozen healthier alternatives to bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Listen, Sandra: the average hot dog has about 20 grams of fat. Wrapping a piece of bacon adds about four or five more, and we won't even discuss the sodium content, which is nothing short of egregious.
There is no need to sell these gorgeous meaty concoctions as something with any kind of redeeming nutritional value. When we encounter these foods that are good for nothing more than soothing the demons in our souls, we call them "treats." Now stop being an idiot before you burn yourself.
p.s. I turned 18 today and am going to get a tattoo soon. Yay me!
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