Nazi-Ho Dora

At this very moment I am watching two young children watching Dora the Explorer. As I sit here I notice eerily zombie-like behavior; their eyes are glued to the television screen, and they recite every word that Dora instructs without question. It is now that I come to the realization that not only are shows like these a complete waste of time (come on, you didn't really think your kid was going to learn Spanish from Nick Jr. did you?) but they stand a good chance of misleading our youngsters. It's Nazi Dora.

For example, what's this "Swiper no swiping" business? Our children are being taught that telling someone to do what you want them to is 100% foolproof! Sooner or later life's going to give them one harsh dose of reality. Not only that, but these kids are also being led into believing that monkeys, maps, backpacks, and all sorts of inanimate objects can talk to them. People, do you want your children to grow up and get thrown in the looney bin with a schizophrenic diagnosis? Geez.

This is still not Dora's most agregious offense; I honestly believe she is a two-bit hussy whose videos are chock full of poorly veiled references to bestiality, exhibitionism and other extremely questionable sexual perversions. Throughout this particular episode, Dora and her little traveling band of perverts – which includes HER COUSIN – are traveling toward something called THE GOOEY GEYSER. Geysers are many things, but they are definitely not gooey. I assume that you’re a smart bunch of readers, so I genuinely don’t think I need to spell out for you what I think the gooey geyser is an analogy for.

On their trip to the gooey geyser, Dora and her friends must take an inflatable raft over a body of water. While instructing them to inflate the raft, Dora says this: "Take a deep breath and blow, blow, blow, BLOW!" No explanation needed.

In the second episode on the DVD, Dora’s arch nemesis, Swiper The Fox, is wearing what can only be described as a pimp hat: a fedora with a yellow feather sticking out of it. The only thing that would make him look more like a pimp is a Cadillac, although I don’t believe foxes can drive. The M.O. of Swiper The Fox is to take things from Dora (e.g., her virginity) that she must then spend the remainder of the episode recovering. If Dora and her traveling gang of pervs spot Swiper before he strikes, they say this: “Swiper, no swiping!” In the episode where he’s dressed as a pimp, they say, “Yo, Swiper. What’s crack-a-lackin’? Keep your paws off my shit, yo.”

In the Super Babies video, Swiper steals the banana baby food from Dora’s baby brother and sister. Something about the color and consistency of banana baby food strikes me as perverse. I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I may be onto something here... just listen to her theme song backwards below (I did not make it & are therefore not responsible for the grammatical mistakes, by the way).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoeHsK8lUg