Every morning I stumble out of bed at roughly 5:00 am, allowing just enough time to go for a morning jog, get ready, feed the animals, watch the news, and grab the daily cup of coffee so essential to being awake (or as far away from zombie as is possible), perceptive, responsive, and prepared for whatever my job will throw at me. I mean that quite literally.
You see, I'm a teenage day-care service provider; I refuse to use the word "babysitter" because 1) I don't sit on babies, and 2) If my duties were limited to changing diapers and feeding a precious little newborn milk while rocking it to sleep, I wouldn't be nearly as excited to escape from kiddie Hell to my second job at Applebees.
The reality of the situation is that a 3 year-old girl plus a handful of kindergarten-aged boys are placed under my watchful eye Monday through Friday, 6:30 am to 4:30 pm and the latter drive me absolutely nuts. There's just something that must occur post-preschool to bring about the whiny, selfish, defiant, demanding, stubborn, "I think I know it all at five and if I don't get my way I'm going to tell my mommy and it'll be the end of you, lady" behavior. All cuteness or sweetness that was once theirs disappears, lost in what has now become a child overtaken with brattiness. They've turned to the dark side. Probably for the cookies.
As a "teenage day-care service provider" this is an especially difficult role for one to play. You must demand respect and authority, but the tools with which to enforce these things are at times extremely limited; at the end of the day, I'm still not the kid's parent (oh I can't even tell you how lucky they are). Consequently, each day this ridiculous battle must be waged as the punks bombard me with their infinite arsenal of terror - chasing after me with cheap cologne, setting "trip traps," placing bugs on my back, drenching my face with a "Super Soaker" watergun and laughing as a river of mascara runs down my face... the torment never ends. And yet, calling their mom is completely out of the question. Because to do that would be to admit defeat, which would only diminish the adult cred I've already established in dealing with the monsters all on my own. So I'll pick myself up and carry on with this character-building experience with a smile on my face, but inside I'm sticking my tongue out at you too you little asswipes!
p.s. Would it be too much to ask for Oprah to show the same appreciation for people like me that she does for stay-at-home moms? Supposedly they have the hardest job in the world.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Nazi-Ho Dora
At this very moment I am watching two young children watching Dora the Explorer. As I sit here I notice eerily zombie-like behavior; their eyes are glued to the television screen, and they recite every word that Dora instructs without question. It is now that I come to the realization that not only are shows like these a complete waste of time (come on, you didn't really think your kid was going to learn Spanish from Nick Jr. did you?) but they stand a good chance of misleading our youngsters. It's Nazi Dora.
For example, what's this "Swiper no swiping" business? Our children are being taught that telling someone to do what you want them to is 100% foolproof! Sooner or later life's going to give them one harsh dose of reality. Not only that, but these kids are also being led into believing that monkeys, maps, backpacks, and all sorts of inanimate objects can talk to them. People, do you want your children to grow up and get thrown in the looney bin with a schizophrenic diagnosis? Geez.
This is still not Dora's most agregious offense; I honestly believe she is a two-bit hussy whose videos are chock full of poorly veiled references to bestiality, exhibitionism and other extremely questionable sexual perversions. Throughout this particular episode, Dora and her little traveling band of perverts – which includes HER COUSIN – are traveling toward something called THE GOOEY GEYSER. Geysers are many things, but they are definitely not gooey. I assume that you’re a smart bunch of readers, so I genuinely don’t think I need to spell out for you what I think the gooey geyser is an analogy for.
On their trip to the gooey geyser, Dora and her friends must take an inflatable raft over a body of water. While instructing them to inflate the raft, Dora says this: "Take a deep breath and blow, blow, blow, BLOW!" No explanation needed.
In the second episode on the DVD, Dora’s arch nemesis, Swiper The Fox, is wearing what can only be described as a pimp hat: a fedora with a yellow feather sticking out of it. The only thing that would make him look more like a pimp is a Cadillac, although I don’t believe foxes can drive. The M.O. of Swiper The Fox is to take things from Dora (e.g., her virginity) that she must then spend the remainder of the episode recovering. If Dora and her traveling gang of pervs spot Swiper before he strikes, they say this: “Swiper, no swiping!” In the episode where he’s dressed as a pimp, they say, “Yo, Swiper. What’s crack-a-lackin’? Keep your paws off my shit, yo.”
In the Super Babies video, Swiper steals the banana baby food from Dora’s baby brother and sister. Something about the color and consistency of banana baby food strikes me as perverse. I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I may be onto something here... just listen to her theme song backwards below (I did not make it & are therefore not responsible for the grammatical mistakes, by the way).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoeHsK8lUg
For example, what's this "Swiper no swiping" business? Our children are being taught that telling someone to do what you want them to is 100% foolproof! Sooner or later life's going to give them one harsh dose of reality. Not only that, but these kids are also being led into believing that monkeys, maps, backpacks, and all sorts of inanimate objects can talk to them. People, do you want your children to grow up and get thrown in the looney bin with a schizophrenic diagnosis? Geez.
This is still not Dora's most agregious offense; I honestly believe she is a two-bit hussy whose videos are chock full of poorly veiled references to bestiality, exhibitionism and other extremely questionable sexual perversions. Throughout this particular episode, Dora and her little traveling band of perverts – which includes HER COUSIN – are traveling toward something called THE GOOEY GEYSER. Geysers are many things, but they are definitely not gooey. I assume that you’re a smart bunch of readers, so I genuinely don’t think I need to spell out for you what I think the gooey geyser is an analogy for.
On their trip to the gooey geyser, Dora and her friends must take an inflatable raft over a body of water. While instructing them to inflate the raft, Dora says this: "Take a deep breath and blow, blow, blow, BLOW!" No explanation needed.
In the second episode on the DVD, Dora’s arch nemesis, Swiper The Fox, is wearing what can only be described as a pimp hat: a fedora with a yellow feather sticking out of it. The only thing that would make him look more like a pimp is a Cadillac, although I don’t believe foxes can drive. The M.O. of Swiper The Fox is to take things from Dora (e.g., her virginity) that she must then spend the remainder of the episode recovering. If Dora and her traveling gang of pervs spot Swiper before he strikes, they say this: “Swiper, no swiping!” In the episode where he’s dressed as a pimp, they say, “Yo, Swiper. What’s crack-a-lackin’? Keep your paws off my shit, yo.”
In the Super Babies video, Swiper steals the banana baby food from Dora’s baby brother and sister. Something about the color and consistency of banana baby food strikes me as perverse. I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I may be onto something here... just listen to her theme song backwards below (I did not make it & are therefore not responsible for the grammatical mistakes, by the way).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoeHsK8lUg
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The Ten Commandments of Driving
I grew up Catholic, and it has never ceased to amaze me how this particular religion just loves to make up new rules whenever it wants to. As you have probably heard by now, the Vatican has issued its own "Ten Commandments" of driving. Driving! Are they seriously going to try to convince us that God admitted holes in the original Ten and came to the Pope in a vision with this instruction because he feared we didn't realize his law applies to automobiles too?! Well, in any case, they didn't seem too bad to me:
1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.
That was until I read further into the matter, however. The following is an excerpt from a Reuters article:
A 36-page document called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road" contains 10 Commandments covering everything from road rage, respecting pedestrians, keeping a car in good shape and avoiding rude gestures while behind the wheel.
"Cars tend to bring out the 'primitive' side of human beings, thereby producing rather unpleasant results," the document said.
It appealed to what it called the "noble tendencies" of the human spirit, urging responsibility and self-control to prevent the "psychological regression" often associated with driving.
The document's Fifth Commandment reads: "Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin."
Asked at a news conference when a car became an occasion of sin, Cardinal Renato Martino said "when a car is used as a place for sin."
One part of the document, under the section "Vanity and personal glorification," will not go down well with owners of Ferraris in motor-mad Italy.
"Cars particularly lend themselves to being used by their owners to show off, and as a means for outshining other people and arousing a feeling of envy," it said.
Listen people, I'm going to be deprived of the showing off privilege for long enough - I own a Ford FOCUS for crying out loud. So if I one day become the proud owner of my dream Bimmer or a souped up Mini-Coop, you're damn right I want to "arouse a feeling of envy"!
1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.
That was until I read further into the matter, however. The following is an excerpt from a Reuters article:
A 36-page document called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road" contains 10 Commandments covering everything from road rage, respecting pedestrians, keeping a car in good shape and avoiding rude gestures while behind the wheel.
"Cars tend to bring out the 'primitive' side of human beings, thereby producing rather unpleasant results," the document said.
It appealed to what it called the "noble tendencies" of the human spirit, urging responsibility and self-control to prevent the "psychological regression" often associated with driving.
The document's Fifth Commandment reads: "Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin."
Asked at a news conference when a car became an occasion of sin, Cardinal Renato Martino said "when a car is used as a place for sin."
One part of the document, under the section "Vanity and personal glorification," will not go down well with owners of Ferraris in motor-mad Italy.
"Cars particularly lend themselves to being used by their owners to show off, and as a means for outshining other people and arousing a feeling of envy," it said.
Listen people, I'm going to be deprived of the showing off privilege for long enough - I own a Ford FOCUS for crying out loud. So if I one day become the proud owner of my dream Bimmer or a souped up Mini-Coop, you're damn right I want to "arouse a feeling of envy"!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
My 1986 BMW M3 (E30)
I have kind of fallen in love with the BMW E30 series, particularly when one of its members is accompanied with a shiny jet black coat of new paint. I'm no BMW fanatic, but it would make me just about the happiest woman in the world to be the owner of a few of these and that Mini-cooper I never shut up about... yes people, that was a hint. I know you know my birthday's coming up, so chop-chop; the parts I'm going to be wanting for Christmas are kind of expensive. Realistically, though, I could see myself purchasing a 1986 BMW M3 in a couple of years. (Despite the similarity I don't like the '87 as well.)
Monday, June 18, 2007
Four Crimes That Should Be Legalized
We have a lot of arbitrary rules in the United States. It’s bound to happen when you’ve been a country for 200-some years, but there are some rules and bans I think we can do without. Here are four such things.
Marijuana
I tried it one time and probably wouldn't be a user, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think other people should be able to. The United States is already legally doped up on TV, caffeine, sugar, nicotine, fast food, and alcohol. Marijuana would not be the worst drug in that list by far.
Some people who go on and on about the pitfalls of marijuana probably don’t tell you about their 5-soda-a-day (diet) Coke habit, or the fact that smoking a carton of cigarettes a week is about one of the worst habits you can have.
A drug as common as caffeine would be considered just as controversial as marijuana if we weren’t socially conditioned to think otherwise. Caffeine has health benefits and pitfalls, just like marijuana - and none of the benefits or pitfalls are overwhelmingly dangerous. Definitely not as dangerous as nicotine.
Another argument is that smoking marijuana can lead to harder drug use. That’s a constructed argument. You don’t think alcohol or nicotine leads to those same places?
But that’s fine. In America, Diet Coke, Cigarettes, McDonald’s, Ho-Ho’s, and Starbucks are all legal. As they should be. Why draw an arbitrary line before marijuana? There are more worthwhile people to arrest than potheads.
Upsides: Legalizing marijuana would theoretically give our law enforcement the resources to better spend their time elsewhere. Another relatively undangerous opiate would be supplied to the masses. Some college students will start becoming less motivated to do something with their lives, leaving less competition for the rest of us.
Downsides: Marijuana’s downsides would be the same as any of the legal drugs. Marijuana can lead to bad behavior that people otherwise wouldn’t do (again, so would alcohol). Mostly I think it’s harmless on the rest of us.
Gambling and Online Poker
This might be the most enraging ban of them all, and even if I was old enough to I probably wouldn't. But what kind of “greatest nation of all time” doesn’t let citizens spend their own earned money the way they please? If I want to waste it, I’ll waste it. It’s my responsibility, not yours, Uncle Sam.
Las Vegas is a hub of culture, entertainment, and tourism mainly because of gambling. Have you seen the place lately? It’s becoming more than a tourist attraction - people are actually moving there to live there.
Gambling might be worse than the ‘legal drugs’ I wrote about above, however. Go to any relatively large casino and you’ll see approximately eleven billion old, unhealthy smokers playing bingo or tugging at the slot machines like a zombie. It can be a brutal habit.
Do I have a problem with people making money from gambling? Of course not. Despite the zombie-ness of their behavior, any person is perfectly able to ride their wheelchair home and never gamble again, even if it’s a tough habit to kick.
Online, poker can be a fun way to win a little cash, and for some, maybe even earn an income. The fact that the government says you can’t do this should enrage you. What’s the point of earning money if you can’t blow it on trivial games? Even just having the OPTION to do it makes having money that much cooler.
Upsides: Gambling would become an insane industry, and, properly handled, could pump lots of money into the economy.
Downsides: Its legalization will cause a 5000% increase in bums. Las Vegas will lose its edge, and the World Series of Poker might last year-round on ESPN.
Cuban Products
I’m getting more enraged as I write this, even though I knew what I’d write about ahead of time. Cuban products? Are you kidding me? Fidel Castro has been around since ancient Rome, and it’s clear our Cold War-relic embargo against Cuba isn’t helping anyone anymore. Let’s get out of the 20th Century.
If anything, lifting the embargo might encourage democracy there. A nice influx of American money for Cuban goods could help them see what they’ve been missing out on.
You’ll also drive down prices for their goods once they're available. Cuban cigars won’t cost you $300 for a box anymore (or whatever they cost - I’ve never bought them. In fact, I don’t do a lot of what I’ve written about in this article). Instead you can get them at a convenience store in a little bag that says “Smokin’ Stogeys Cuban Cigars” for $8.99.
Upsides: Decrease in what you have to pay for Cuban products. Money will help Cubans see the light of Democracy.
Downsides: Cuban cigars won’t be nearly as cool.
Speed Limits
Okay, this one I’ve actually done (40 in a 30, thank you very much!). I’m not really for the abolishment of all speed limit laws, except the arbitrary “65″ limit on highways.
We need to establish the American Autobahn, an artery going across the country where you can show off your coolest car’s abilities as you zoom toward Spring Break at 110 miles an hour. Every lane will be the fast lane. The only dangerous drivers will be the slow ones.
When I got my speeding ticket, I had lost all sense of speed because the road was empty and I was listening to music in my car. Was I a danger to others? Maybe, if you count the people who weren’t anywhere near me. Did I really need to pay as much as I did? Probably not.
Traffic laws are difficult to enforce because about 99% of people are bad drivers. I know because they piss me off every day, and I feel like I know the laws better than most.
Keep speed limits and most of your traffic laws - they can protect us. But let us stretch our legs on the Ameribahn.
Upsides: If you own a fast car, you can show it off. You’ll get places faster, and we’ll burn away our fossil fuels faster. That’s an upside because we’ll burn them away anyway, so we’d better get started on the future.
Downsides: There are no downsides. This one is ironclad.
Marijuana
I tried it one time and probably wouldn't be a user, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think other people should be able to. The United States is already legally doped up on TV, caffeine, sugar, nicotine, fast food, and alcohol. Marijuana would not be the worst drug in that list by far.
Some people who go on and on about the pitfalls of marijuana probably don’t tell you about their 5-soda-a-day (diet) Coke habit, or the fact that smoking a carton of cigarettes a week is about one of the worst habits you can have.
A drug as common as caffeine would be considered just as controversial as marijuana if we weren’t socially conditioned to think otherwise. Caffeine has health benefits and pitfalls, just like marijuana - and none of the benefits or pitfalls are overwhelmingly dangerous. Definitely not as dangerous as nicotine.
Another argument is that smoking marijuana can lead to harder drug use. That’s a constructed argument. You don’t think alcohol or nicotine leads to those same places?
But that’s fine. In America, Diet Coke, Cigarettes, McDonald’s, Ho-Ho’s, and Starbucks are all legal. As they should be. Why draw an arbitrary line before marijuana? There are more worthwhile people to arrest than potheads.
Upsides: Legalizing marijuana would theoretically give our law enforcement the resources to better spend their time elsewhere. Another relatively undangerous opiate would be supplied to the masses. Some college students will start becoming less motivated to do something with their lives, leaving less competition for the rest of us.
Downsides: Marijuana’s downsides would be the same as any of the legal drugs. Marijuana can lead to bad behavior that people otherwise wouldn’t do (again, so would alcohol). Mostly I think it’s harmless on the rest of us.
Gambling and Online Poker
This might be the most enraging ban of them all, and even if I was old enough to I probably wouldn't. But what kind of “greatest nation of all time” doesn’t let citizens spend their own earned money the way they please? If I want to waste it, I’ll waste it. It’s my responsibility, not yours, Uncle Sam.
Las Vegas is a hub of culture, entertainment, and tourism mainly because of gambling. Have you seen the place lately? It’s becoming more than a tourist attraction - people are actually moving there to live there.
Gambling might be worse than the ‘legal drugs’ I wrote about above, however. Go to any relatively large casino and you’ll see approximately eleven billion old, unhealthy smokers playing bingo or tugging at the slot machines like a zombie. It can be a brutal habit.
Do I have a problem with people making money from gambling? Of course not. Despite the zombie-ness of their behavior, any person is perfectly able to ride their wheelchair home and never gamble again, even if it’s a tough habit to kick.
Online, poker can be a fun way to win a little cash, and for some, maybe even earn an income. The fact that the government says you can’t do this should enrage you. What’s the point of earning money if you can’t blow it on trivial games? Even just having the OPTION to do it makes having money that much cooler.
Upsides: Gambling would become an insane industry, and, properly handled, could pump lots of money into the economy.
Downsides: Its legalization will cause a 5000% increase in bums. Las Vegas will lose its edge, and the World Series of Poker might last year-round on ESPN.
Cuban Products
I’m getting more enraged as I write this, even though I knew what I’d write about ahead of time. Cuban products? Are you kidding me? Fidel Castro has been around since ancient Rome, and it’s clear our Cold War-relic embargo against Cuba isn’t helping anyone anymore. Let’s get out of the 20th Century.
If anything, lifting the embargo might encourage democracy there. A nice influx of American money for Cuban goods could help them see what they’ve been missing out on.
You’ll also drive down prices for their goods once they're available. Cuban cigars won’t cost you $300 for a box anymore (or whatever they cost - I’ve never bought them. In fact, I don’t do a lot of what I’ve written about in this article). Instead you can get them at a convenience store in a little bag that says “Smokin’ Stogeys Cuban Cigars” for $8.99.
Upsides: Decrease in what you have to pay for Cuban products. Money will help Cubans see the light of Democracy.
Downsides: Cuban cigars won’t be nearly as cool.
Speed Limits
Okay, this one I’ve actually done (40 in a 30, thank you very much!). I’m not really for the abolishment of all speed limit laws, except the arbitrary “65″ limit on highways.
We need to establish the American Autobahn, an artery going across the country where you can show off your coolest car’s abilities as you zoom toward Spring Break at 110 miles an hour. Every lane will be the fast lane. The only dangerous drivers will be the slow ones.
When I got my speeding ticket, I had lost all sense of speed because the road was empty and I was listening to music in my car. Was I a danger to others? Maybe, if you count the people who weren’t anywhere near me. Did I really need to pay as much as I did? Probably not.
Traffic laws are difficult to enforce because about 99% of people are bad drivers. I know because they piss me off every day, and I feel like I know the laws better than most.
Keep speed limits and most of your traffic laws - they can protect us. But let us stretch our legs on the Ameribahn.
Upsides: If you own a fast car, you can show it off. You’ll get places faster, and we’ll burn away our fossil fuels faster. That’s an upside because we’ll burn them away anyway, so we’d better get started on the future.
Downsides: There are no downsides. This one is ironclad.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
When I Must Leave You
This is a poem on the card my father gave me from my Gramps' funeral; his obituary is printed on the other side. It really means a lot to me... this last year especially I've faced some pretty tough times. They're not over yet, but I think I'm finally coming to a point where I feel like everything is going to work itself out. I have amazing people in my life, more going for me than I've realized, and much to look forward to.
When I must leave you
for a little while
Please do not grieve
and shed wild tears
And hug your sorrow to you
through the years.
But start out bravely
with a gallant smile;
And for my sake
and in my name,
Live on and do all things
the same,
Feed not your loneliness
on empty days,
But fill each waking hour
in useful ways,
Reach out your hand
in comfort and in cheer
And I in turn
will comfort you,
And I will hold you near.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
No MySpace For Troops in Iraq
Napoleon once said that an army marches on its stomach, but they didn’t have YouTube back then. The U.S. army is blocking a bunch of sites (11, to be specific) from soldiers, including MySpace and YouTube.
Why, you may ask? Well, apparently all the time soldiers are spending on the internet at those sites slows down network time. Also, the army is trying to protect “information.”
In recent months, the Army and Iraqi insurgents have both been posting videos onto YouTube as mini-propaganda films that show their side winning out. For example, troops have posted videos of victories and Iraqi friendships, while insurgents post explosions.
This new rule will put a stop to this, from our side. Still, why on earth would you ban MySpace? If we can’t have personality quizzes and spam, then what are we fighting for??
P.S. Speaking of someone who "opposed this war from the start," I've just stumbled upon the E-book edition of "The Best Speeches of Barack Obama." I obviously don't have enough room in this post to list my favorites (let alone the entire 514 pages) but here's a direct link in case you're interested. They have a print copy available for $29.99 + $5.00 shipping and handling at http://www.cafepress.com/obamaspeechbook. And yes, I am just that much of a nerd.
E-book location: http://www.freeobamabook.com/Best-Speeches-Of-Barack-Obama.pdf
Why, you may ask? Well, apparently all the time soldiers are spending on the internet at those sites slows down network time. Also, the army is trying to protect “information.”
In recent months, the Army and Iraqi insurgents have both been posting videos onto YouTube as mini-propaganda films that show their side winning out. For example, troops have posted videos of victories and Iraqi friendships, while insurgents post explosions.
This new rule will put a stop to this, from our side. Still, why on earth would you ban MySpace? If we can’t have personality quizzes and spam, then what are we fighting for??
P.S. Speaking of someone who "opposed this war from the start," I've just stumbled upon the E-book edition of "The Best Speeches of Barack Obama." I obviously don't have enough room in this post to list my favorites (let alone the entire 514 pages) but here's a direct link in case you're interested. They have a print copy available for $29.99 + $5.00 shipping and handling at http://www.cafepress.com/obamaspeechbook. And yes, I am just that much of a nerd.
E-book location: http://www.freeobamabook.com/Best-Speeches-Of-Barack-Obama.pdf
Friday, June 1, 2007
Advice on Housekeeping
Hello, my name is Bridget and I'm an out-of-control clean freak. Alright, so maybe it's not necessarily to the point where a 12-step program is needed (we'll talk about my coffee addiction some other time) but I could definitely afford to be less anal when it comes to cleaning my home- ask anyone who knows me. So, I've devised the following excuses as part of a little strategy for anyone struggling with the same problem. Trust me, it works.
1) "Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers." Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2) "Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed." Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3) "Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provides a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun." Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4) Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces glares from the sun, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your boyfriend points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5) In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6) Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorway by claiming you are collecting it there to use for hand-sewn play animals for under-privileged children.
7) If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are so expensive."
8) If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
9) Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Little Timmy did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven't had the heart to clean it."
10) Mix one quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere!"
1) "Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers." Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2) "Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed." Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3) "Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provides a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun." Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4) Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces glares from the sun, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your boyfriend points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5) In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6) Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorway by claiming you are collecting it there to use for hand-sewn play animals for under-privileged children.
7) If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are so expensive."
8) If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
9) Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Little Timmy did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven't had the heart to clean it."
10) Mix one quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere!"
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