If my friends read this they are going to kill me, because I sometimes point this out to them. It's all in good fun! Everyone, including myself, is guilty of doing at least one of these... and if you're really talented you can pull off two or three at one time. What am I talking about?
The Facebook Status.
So I offer up another "list blog" as my formatting writer's block can only produce at the moment:
1. The Quote Dude: Everyone loves a killer lyric or memorable quote, especially if it has some sort of sentimental meaning to the poster, but reading long drabble of dead people and the chorus of a bad Lady Gaga song doesn’t make you look any cooler or smarter. And who am I kidding… all Lady Gaga songs are pretty horrible. Just my humble opinion.
2. The Popular One: Not so bad on Facebook, but sign onto the disappearing MySpace and this is all you see. Little girls (and guys) who just want attention. You want me to go comment on the picture of you in the skimpy cheerleading garb flashing hand signs with your tongue hanging out? Two things: You look like an idiot and you need to get a life.
3. The Model: This kind of ties in with #2. So you’re somewhat attractive and your mini digital camera loves your face. This doesn’t mean you should plaster 841,654 pictures of yourself in your album with puckered lips, hand signs, no shirt, and your new aviators you got off of eBay. You’re on Facebook. I know you. I see you way too much. If I start having nightmares about the shape of your nose I’m going to shoot myself... seriously.
4. The Jesus Lover: Don’t get me wrong, I’m sincerely happy that you have faith in something, but updating your status with exclusively biblical quotes and “I love Jesus” phrases makes you look like a mindless zombie. “Oh no, I broke a nail but it’s okay because Jesus has a plan for everything. Go Jesus!”
5. The Angry One: Damn it, your best friend hit on your boyfriend again so you decide to finally take action. Let your fingertips fly! Let everyone see how pissed you are with your CAPS, extensive curse words, and racial slurs until everyone sees just how much of a backstabber your ex friend is. Take that, you meanie you!
6. The Need You To Know Every Five Minutes One: I couldn’t think of a better title for this one. So you’re about to play some Modern Warfare 2 online. Sweet! Maybe I’ll join, but unless you’re actually in a movie where the action never ceases, I don’t want to know what you’re doing every five minutes. Walking the dog and taking a bathroom break are some events I relatively don’t care about. Now if the dog magically dons a cape and tells you ‘there’s nothing to fear’ or a blue alien leaps from the murky depths of the toilet then type away, my friend!
7. The Novelist: Just like #6 but longer. So you’re going to a huge MMA fight tomorrow. That’s awesome! But if that’s the only amazingly interesting thing happening, then why must you add everything else? “OMG going to the mall tomorrow to get a book I’ve never read signed by that Twilight chick! But now I’m sipping a latte, watching Oprah, and wishing that tomorrow would come faster. Txt me!”
....No, I will not text you.
8. The Cryptic One: "Going out with a certain guy tonight!’ Oh your mysteriousness baffles me… even though just an hour earlier you called me and told me everything you were doing tonight with Johnny boy down the street. Including how cute he is, what cologne he wears, and how expensive his shirt is. Have fun tonight with that certain someone at a certain place during a certain time. While you’re at it make sure you wear a certain pair of shoes because it’s cold.
9. The One Who Types Ghetto: Dis iz Mizz G’Money Fabulous ‘ere wid dis ‘portant message. I writ3 wid #s. If you’re normal you probably can’t decipher the intricate codes typed by these people. The only reason you might be able to read the first part of this is because I’m a little white Irish girl from the suburbs and I didn’t do it right. Everyone has at least one of these people, don’t lie. As a certified Grammar Nazi who once had her heart set on becoming an English teacher, that shit just makes my head spin.
10. The Depressed One: Everyone has bad days and everyone loves getting some sympathy from a caring friend, but most people don’t care THAT much. Especially if all of your updates are depressing. So your boyfriend canceled on you, your cable screwed up just seconds before the new episode of ‘I’m a Rich Bitch On Drugs Pt.1,’ and you have cramps. It happens. I’m sorry, but get over it.
11: The One Who Will Never Find Love: AKA the Emo Kid. This one is last because it is very possible that this is the one that irritates me the most. So your girlfriend dumped you after two weeks and now you’re truly convinced that you will never find love. You rant about how much life sucks, how you want to die, how much love you gave that special girl during those everlasting two weeks, how all girls MUST be the same, and how much you fail because you’re such a nice guy. I might have just puked (If I wanted the interesting version of this, I'd rent "100 days of Summer" again). Now because of your status I will officially become #10. “Tears bleed down my cheeks as my heart breaks...”
Agree or disagree about any of these things? Have more to add? Well then tell me what you think! Haha it's very possible that I should have added "The Sarcastic Bitch One" to describe myself ;-)
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Life Lessons From Spongebob
Spongebob Squarepants has been a favorite show of children for over ten years now. While many see it as pure animated silliness devoid of any educational value, I beg to differ. There are numerous lessons to be learned from SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and the gang, some of which could only be learned from them. The list below is just a sample.
Lesson 1: Even if you're a total moron, being especially talented in one particular area will keep you employed. Just look at SpongeBob himself. He's not the brightest of characters (though, I'll say, he's probably the smartest sponge I know of), but he sure does know how to make Krabby Patties. Mr. Krabs would have a hard time replacing him. Whenever he tries, it never really works out. SpongeBob has found his niche and manages to use what little skill he has to make enough of a living to have his own place and take care of himself.
Lesson 2: David Hasselhoff has superpowers. Witness the SpongeBob Movie. While the world has always suspected that Mr. Hasselhoff was something more than human, his powers were on full display there as he zips SpongeBob and Patrick across the ocean and launches them back to Bikini Bottom with his super-pectoral muscles.
Lesson 3: Crustaceans can father whales. Witness Mr. Krabs and his daughter Pearl. Who knew that such an unlikely event was possible before SpongeBob showed us?
Lesson 4: There are underwater beaches where sea creatures of all kinds gather. Really, I think this is a revolutionary find, about which you would think The Learning Channel or some other educationally-minded outlet would have some sort of special.
Lesson 5: Squirrels can live underwater if properly attired. Sandy actually seems to really like it there, in fact, as long as she keeps her helmet on. She even has her own air-filled home.
Lesson 6: You can avoid a Sea Bear attack by drawing an Anti-Sea Bear circle and standing within its perimeter. If you are attacked, however, be sure you are wearing Anti-Sea Rhinoceros Undergarments, as the Sea Rhinoceros is attracted to such attacks.
Lesson 7: Even if you cause grievous bodily harm to your friends, in the end you are still friends, and it will heal quickly. See the many fights between SpongeBob and Patrick as examples.
Lesson 8: Don't trust plankton. It is small and looks harmless, but only because it wants to get past your defenses.
Lesson 9: There is a rather sophisticated system of currency in use by undersea creatures, and various underwater, independently-owned fast food outlets battle to get as much of it as possible.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The Twilight Fanbase: Revealed
Here I am on my lunch break, munching away on my salad and thinking about the trip to the store I need to make after work tonight. And somehow this ridiculously random brain of mine recalls the last time I was in the check-out line at Target, when I saw the DVD release of "Twilight"... which has brought forth the topic of my latest blog post.
So we've all heard of Trekkies and Comic-Con and of course the first images you get are of NWGs, or Nerds Without Girlfriends. Visions of pasty-faced tweens, teens and even adults dressed in homemade capes and alien masks come to mind... but just in case you need perspective on what I'm referring to, I list Augie Farks in the movie "Role Models" as a prime example - "The whispering eye!"
With all of the fantasy/sci-fi gamers role-playing their way to large conventions, I guess it's not all that surprising that a book about a teen and a vampire would gather a cult following.
Haha... and here I thought goth went out of fashion when Nine Inch Nails went techno. The Vampire Underground (or should I say "Vampyre Underground?") has been around since the 1970's and includes goths who may actually think they are vampires. They gather in the darkness, do rituals, drink blood, and hang around looking pale-faced and creepy.
Twilighters, fans of Stephenie Meyer's teen vampire series, are what I'd call Vampire Lite. They wear black clothes from Hot Topic and jewelry from Claires. They may wear scary black nail polish and fake Doc Martins. They stand in line waiting for the movie release, shivering with cups of Starbucks and chattering about how adorably sexy Edward Cullen is. Maybe they paint their faces white. Maybe they wear a leftover cape from Halloween. Maybe they even listen to music with explicit lyrics.
Twilighters are to the Vampyre Underground as Harry Potter fans are to The Lord Of The Rings (Don't get me wrong, I love Harry Potter and I think that JK Rowling is a brilliant writer). A Harry Potter Avada Kedavra curse and Lord Voldemort would pale in comparison to Sauron and Mount Doom. And a Twilighter would probably go screaming back to their Abercrombie and Fitch jeans if confronted by a real Vampyre.
I've dabbled in Sci-fi and Fantasy and I read Stephenie Meyer's Twilight books.... I thought they were "meh" at best. The story idea was respectable, yet marred by long drawn out beginnings and action only appearing in the last third of the book. Still, movie producers saw dollar signs in the new crop of Vampire Lite tweens needing something to tide them over until Harry Potter 6 comes out, and managed to crank out a decent movie after all. (The scenes were beautiful and the characters matched the book. But there was still a lot of staring and I wanted to yell out "Blink! Blink you obsessed idiots!" every so often.)
Perhaps I just don't get Vampire Lites, being that mentally I'm way past my teen prime and about over the twenty buzz. Besides, I think a mortal dating a vampire would be like me dating a donut... Many times I stare longingly at the donuts behind the glass, not daring to blink, and imagining what it would be like to sink my teeth in one.
So we've all heard of Trekkies and Comic-Con and of course the first images you get are of NWGs, or Nerds Without Girlfriends. Visions of pasty-faced tweens, teens and even adults dressed in homemade capes and alien masks come to mind... but just in case you need perspective on what I'm referring to, I list Augie Farks in the movie "Role Models" as a prime example - "The whispering eye!"
With all of the fantasy/sci-fi gamers role-playing their way to large conventions, I guess it's not all that surprising that a book about a teen and a vampire would gather a cult following.
Haha... and here I thought goth went out of fashion when Nine Inch Nails went techno. The Vampire Underground (or should I say "Vampyre Underground?") has been around since the 1970's and includes goths who may actually think they are vampires. They gather in the darkness, do rituals, drink blood, and hang around looking pale-faced and creepy.
Twilighters, fans of Stephenie Meyer's teen vampire series, are what I'd call Vampire Lite. They wear black clothes from Hot Topic and jewelry from Claires. They may wear scary black nail polish and fake Doc Martins. They stand in line waiting for the movie release, shivering with cups of Starbucks and chattering about how adorably sexy Edward Cullen is. Maybe they paint their faces white. Maybe they wear a leftover cape from Halloween. Maybe they even listen to music with explicit lyrics.
Twilighters are to the Vampyre Underground as Harry Potter fans are to The Lord Of The Rings (Don't get me wrong, I love Harry Potter and I think that JK Rowling is a brilliant writer). A Harry Potter Avada Kedavra curse and Lord Voldemort would pale in comparison to Sauron and Mount Doom. And a Twilighter would probably go screaming back to their Abercrombie and Fitch jeans if confronted by a real Vampyre.
I've dabbled in Sci-fi and Fantasy and I read Stephenie Meyer's Twilight books.... I thought they were "meh" at best. The story idea was respectable, yet marred by long drawn out beginnings and action only appearing in the last third of the book. Still, movie producers saw dollar signs in the new crop of Vampire Lite tweens needing something to tide them over until Harry Potter 6 comes out, and managed to crank out a decent movie after all. (The scenes were beautiful and the characters matched the book. But there was still a lot of staring and I wanted to yell out "Blink! Blink you obsessed idiots!" every so often.)
Perhaps I just don't get Vampire Lites, being that mentally I'm way past my teen prime and about over the twenty buzz. Besides, I think a mortal dating a vampire would be like me dating a donut... Many times I stare longingly at the donuts behind the glass, not daring to blink, and imagining what it would be like to sink my teeth in one.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
A Very Random Reflection on Feminism
Viva La Feminista! If anything women are more prominent and dominant in the workplace and on the political stage than ever before. Feminism is alive and well but has been redefined and revamped for a new generation of women bringing a different female awareness to their psyche. Being a "feminist", or aware of one's rights as a woman does not mean being dressed up like a nouveau hippy in socks and birkenstocks espousing the works of Ms. Greer and Simone De Bouviour any more. Today women who speak out against domestic violence, protect women's rights and value women's role in society like demanding equality in the work place, equal shares in property and land, equal pay and voice their objectives for help with child care and domestic chores are all following traditional feminist ideas but don't necessarily have to label themselves as "feminists" per se.
Indeed, the positive success of this movement as pioneered decades ago by Emily Pankhurst and the Suffragette movement is seen throughout the daily lives of women all over the United States and Western world in general. The progress that has been made is reflected throughout society at all levels from school girls being allowed to play soccer to women being licensed as truck drivers on the road, but as with all social movements, feminism still needs to reach the most vulnerable and the most needy. Feminism by its very nature is a highly controversial concept in new democracies or places where women have no access to freedoms in the most conventional sense.
Women still, however, need support in education, skills and training programs to ensure they remain within the work place and further, women still need to be treated on an equal footing with their male counterparts in traditionally male dominated professions. How often, for example, do we see a road construction builder who is female or a plumber or forklift driver?
Running parallel to this idea is that "real" feminism is steeped in the fundamental belief that women are not only equal but often superior to men, and this is easily expressed in contempoary lifestyles and the concept of "power females" similar to and analagous with "alpha males." For instance, Madonna as an iconic figure in female liberation has revolutionized the classic notion of feminism without losing her sass and style. In the earlier part of her career she used her overt sexuality to challenge barriers in the music world and then in the boardroom. Later on as her career progreseed she relaunched herself as a music diva and became the benchmark of the new female generation. These women were the ones who shopped hard, played hard and worked hard, brought up on a diet of "Sex and the City" fast living and feisty independence. These women didn't rely on men to buy their Cosmopolitans or their Harry Winston watches -- they did it all themselves. Que Destiny's child and their famous song which had all the women "proud to be independent", "Sisters doin' it for themselves " no longer meant ditch the lipstick and burn the bra, it meant celebrate and enjoy being a woman. The essence of feminism had radically altered as women realized that now they could have their cake and eat it too. They didn't have to adopt machoistic qualities to be respected; they could still wiggle around in their Christian Loubtins, have a "mani" and a "pedi" and still be treated with due deference.
But what of those women who enjoy using men as "meal tickets" and expect men to provide for them? Are these women betraying the cause or are they just espousing feminism in another context? Quid Pro quo on a very crass level the man with the "trophy wife" gets the "look" the "model" and "make" of woman he wants and in return, she gets all of her bills paid. Is this something that is acceptable to women or do all women feel they have to pay to belong? A Citi executive recently separated from his long-term girlfriend because she had no money and he did not want to support her financially... was he right, or was he wrong? On the flip side a hedge fund CEO supported her unemployed fiancee for 4 years until he eventually found work... why would it be any different in this scenario? Why is it that the woman is usually the one denounced as a "gold digger" when in similar circumstances the man is not?
Then there are those women who actually make a living out of preying on and some would argue even exploiting men: strippers, table dancers, adult entertainers, maybe even the waitress at your local Hooters -- the man gets to gawp, drool and stare for a while but who is the winner in this situation, the femme fatale or the hapless scumbag looking for his next dance? Should women like this be celebrated for their entrepenurial flair, or are they demeaning feminsim? On one level some would argue that these women are at the forefront of the feminist revolution -- they work, they get paid and they rank superior to men in these industries as more men use these industries than their female counterparts.
Feminism takes shape in many forms, but there is still an enormous gap between women living in the affluent West and women living in the developing world. In countries where women are not offered a voice and denied their basic and fundamental freedoms "feminism" does not truly exist. It is a redundant notion, and until all women everywhere have "equal rights", "equal pay" and an "equal say" in their lives the quest for change will continue.
Indeed, the positive success of this movement as pioneered decades ago by Emily Pankhurst and the Suffragette movement is seen throughout the daily lives of women all over the United States and Western world in general. The progress that has been made is reflected throughout society at all levels from school girls being allowed to play soccer to women being licensed as truck drivers on the road, but as with all social movements, feminism still needs to reach the most vulnerable and the most needy. Feminism by its very nature is a highly controversial concept in new democracies or places where women have no access to freedoms in the most conventional sense.
Women still, however, need support in education, skills and training programs to ensure they remain within the work place and further, women still need to be treated on an equal footing with their male counterparts in traditionally male dominated professions. How often, for example, do we see a road construction builder who is female or a plumber or forklift driver?
Running parallel to this idea is that "real" feminism is steeped in the fundamental belief that women are not only equal but often superior to men, and this is easily expressed in contempoary lifestyles and the concept of "power females" similar to and analagous with "alpha males." For instance, Madonna as an iconic figure in female liberation has revolutionized the classic notion of feminism without losing her sass and style. In the earlier part of her career she used her overt sexuality to challenge barriers in the music world and then in the boardroom. Later on as her career progreseed she relaunched herself as a music diva and became the benchmark of the new female generation. These women were the ones who shopped hard, played hard and worked hard, brought up on a diet of "Sex and the City" fast living and feisty independence. These women didn't rely on men to buy their Cosmopolitans or their Harry Winston watches -- they did it all themselves. Que Destiny's child and their famous song which had all the women "proud to be independent", "Sisters doin' it for themselves " no longer meant ditch the lipstick and burn the bra, it meant celebrate and enjoy being a woman. The essence of feminism had radically altered as women realized that now they could have their cake and eat it too. They didn't have to adopt machoistic qualities to be respected; they could still wiggle around in their Christian Loubtins, have a "mani" and a "pedi" and still be treated with due deference.
But what of those women who enjoy using men as "meal tickets" and expect men to provide for them? Are these women betraying the cause or are they just espousing feminism in another context? Quid Pro quo on a very crass level the man with the "trophy wife" gets the "look" the "model" and "make" of woman he wants and in return, she gets all of her bills paid. Is this something that is acceptable to women or do all women feel they have to pay to belong? A Citi executive recently separated from his long-term girlfriend because she had no money and he did not want to support her financially... was he right, or was he wrong? On the flip side a hedge fund CEO supported her unemployed fiancee for 4 years until he eventually found work... why would it be any different in this scenario? Why is it that the woman is usually the one denounced as a "gold digger" when in similar circumstances the man is not?
Then there are those women who actually make a living out of preying on and some would argue even exploiting men: strippers, table dancers, adult entertainers, maybe even the waitress at your local Hooters -- the man gets to gawp, drool and stare for a while but who is the winner in this situation, the femme fatale or the hapless scumbag looking for his next dance? Should women like this be celebrated for their entrepenurial flair, or are they demeaning feminsim? On one level some would argue that these women are at the forefront of the feminist revolution -- they work, they get paid and they rank superior to men in these industries as more men use these industries than their female counterparts.
Feminism takes shape in many forms, but there is still an enormous gap between women living in the affluent West and women living in the developing world. In countries where women are not offered a voice and denied their basic and fundamental freedoms "feminism" does not truly exist. It is a redundant notion, and until all women everywhere have "equal rights", "equal pay" and an "equal say" in their lives the quest for change will continue.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A Closer Look at Christmas Tradition
Every year at Christmas my family watches the same old traditional, beloved movies... you know the ones. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, The Little Drummer Boy, The Grinch (only the old one, at my mother's insistence). Well, this past year I got a little bored during Rudolph and decided to pick out a few of the outdated and odd traits the movie had.
When you think of Santa Claus and that charming movie "Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer" I'm betting the last things that come to mind are "stereotypical" and "Santa is a jerk". Well.... maybe they should be among the first things you think, because I just watched this movie with my family and was, quite frankly, appalled.
First of all, since when are Santa and "the Mrs." as she is referred to - since when are they Jewish? (They stereotype, I stereotype). Seriously, Mrs. Claus spends the entire movie encouraging Santa to "eat, eat!" Santa plays the shrewd business aspect of this particular stereotype, irritated at watching the elves' song because he has more important things to do.
In addition, the reindeer and elves are Communists, or something approaching that level of conforming weirdness. Rudolph's own father rejects him on the basis of his nose, and all of the reindeer band together and throw Rudolph out. The same happens to Hermie the elf/dentist. (There are theories floating around that Hermie may in fact be homosexual, but that's a different story entirely...) There is an entire island full of "misfits" - toys that no one wants - because they're different from the other cookie-cutter toys made by the elves. I'm not sure what sort of Stepfordian world the creators of this movie were living in, but I'm going to say it's bleak and terrifying.
Oh and let's not forget the blatant sexist remarks running rampant throughout the story. Get a load of these gems: Rudolph's mother wants to search for Rudolph along with her husband only to be told "No. This is man's work!"
And, once Yukon Cornelius, Hermie and Rudolph have rescued the latter's mother, father and love interest (Clarice), they realize that the best thing to do would be to get the women to shelter.
Indeed. And the whole Santa being a jerk thing? Totally true. Santa's first observation of Rudolph: A fine, sturdy little buck.
Santa's observation of Rudolph after he sees Rudolph's nose is that Rudolph's father should be ashamed of himself for creating this horrid abomination. I mean jesus christ suggestions of murder are brought up! Well ok, not really, but Santa makes it plain that Rudolph won't be pulling sleighs anytime soon. After Rudolph's nose is exposed to all (a "coming out" if you will), Santa reiterates that Rudolph sucks, even though he had the skill to pull the sleigh, and Rudolph's father should jump off a cliff. There might be some slight exaggeration there as well, but try telling that to a heartbroken Rudolph after that scene.
On Christmas Eve, Santa is still bashing the nose, even after the narrator proclaims that all is well with the world. Santa, with the brilliant light of the nose in his eyes, asks Rudolph to tone the thing down in a tone undeniably hostile. Then, the light (metaphorically speaking) comes on: Santa realizes that with this nose, he can see through the storm and deliver all the toys. Suddenly the nose is wonderful, magnificent, praise-worthy and Rudolph will lead the sleigh.
Well, stop me if I'm wrong here, Mr. Claus... did you not say that Rudolph's nose was a source of shame? Come on now, Mr. Conformity-encourager: this nose is an abomination. What's this, Mr. Communist: this nose offers you supply for your demand, and you suddenly want it? Mr. Capitalism, ladies and gentlemen: I present him to you (as well as the reason Communism fails - as Zappa said, people like to own things).
Indeed, once Rudolph's nose becomes a valuable asset, he is a hero: he goes down in history.
I am disgusted by this, let me tell you. Santa, Commie elves and reindeer, you should all be ashamed of yourselves for the performance set forth by you is of a vile, base and crude nature. I shudder on your behalf.
Merry Christmas.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Letter To My Lady Cycle
Dear period,
Thanks a whole lot for coming to visit me today. No, I really mean that. I'm not being sarcastic at all. (Snort) My family just adores walking on eggshells and having to duck flying objects at a moment's notice when something is not particularly to my liking. I am all too happy to lay on my bed and wiggle into my jeans, sputtering a string of colorful expletives while trying to fasten the button over the bloat that wasn't there yesterday. And what woman doesn't love desperately hunting through drawers at 3 in the morning for a box of Midol while you wring out her uterus like a Brawny paper towel? Cramps are where happy goes to die. And the mood swings... are to die for. I mean that literally. Nothing brings out the homicidal maniac in me quite the way you do. Let me put it this way... you know something is amiss when someone asks you how your day was and you turn around and singe the hairs on their face with what comes out of your mouth. If you really must come around, I would appreciate it if you would do so without hijacking my hormones, depositing three gallons of water in my midriff, and twisting my girly bits until they cry uncle. That's all.
My period was so incensed by this letter that it decided to write me back. It said...
Dear Bridget,
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I have no control over what I do when I show up for my visit. It's actually your own damn uterus you should be mad at - it's as slow as molasses in November and seems to have a hard time getting a jump on the task at hand. Kind of like you. And it's not like I ever show up unannounced... you always know when I'm coming, and it's not my fault you are so scatterbrained that you forgot to go to the store and stock up on tampons and Midol. As for your moods, puhhhleeez... you are incorrigible the other 27 days out of the month that I'm not visiting you. Perhaps you wouldn't sear the eyeballs of your loved ones if you'd lay off the fatty foods that make your uterus so sluggish... which is why you wake up at 3 a.m. with cramps that rival labor pains. And lay off the soda pop... or those jeans are never gonna fit anyway. Face it... you are female and because of this, you must roll with the punches. I don't like visiting you anymore than you like seeing me, but it's time you make peace with the fact that we are stuck together for another 30 years, until it's hot flashes' turn to take my place. If you thought I was bad, just wait. Now stop being a whiny bitch and go eat some chocolate. See ya' next month.
Well then. That didn't work out quite the way I'd planned....
Thanks a whole lot for coming to visit me today. No, I really mean that. I'm not being sarcastic at all. (Snort) My family just adores walking on eggshells and having to duck flying objects at a moment's notice when something is not particularly to my liking. I am all too happy to lay on my bed and wiggle into my jeans, sputtering a string of colorful expletives while trying to fasten the button over the bloat that wasn't there yesterday. And what woman doesn't love desperately hunting through drawers at 3 in the morning for a box of Midol while you wring out her uterus like a Brawny paper towel? Cramps are where happy goes to die. And the mood swings... are to die for. I mean that literally. Nothing brings out the homicidal maniac in me quite the way you do. Let me put it this way... you know something is amiss when someone asks you how your day was and you turn around and singe the hairs on their face with what comes out of your mouth. If you really must come around, I would appreciate it if you would do so without hijacking my hormones, depositing three gallons of water in my midriff, and twisting my girly bits until they cry uncle. That's all.
My period was so incensed by this letter that it decided to write me back. It said...
Dear Bridget,
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I have no control over what I do when I show up for my visit. It's actually your own damn uterus you should be mad at - it's as slow as molasses in November and seems to have a hard time getting a jump on the task at hand. Kind of like you. And it's not like I ever show up unannounced... you always know when I'm coming, and it's not my fault you are so scatterbrained that you forgot to go to the store and stock up on tampons and Midol. As for your moods, puhhhleeez... you are incorrigible the other 27 days out of the month that I'm not visiting you. Perhaps you wouldn't sear the eyeballs of your loved ones if you'd lay off the fatty foods that make your uterus so sluggish... which is why you wake up at 3 a.m. with cramps that rival labor pains. And lay off the soda pop... or those jeans are never gonna fit anyway. Face it... you are female and because of this, you must roll with the punches. I don't like visiting you anymore than you like seeing me, but it's time you make peace with the fact that we are stuck together for another 30 years, until it's hot flashes' turn to take my place. If you thought I was bad, just wait. Now stop being a whiny bitch and go eat some chocolate. See ya' next month.
Well then. That didn't work out quite the way I'd planned....
Monday, November 3, 2008
The Eve of the 2008 Presidential Election
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with either a dead girl or a live boy."
- Edwin Edwards, Democratic gubernatorial candidate in Louisiana, 1983 (he won).
Despite their shortcomings at certain points in the primaries, with less than 24 hours to go all national polls indicate that Barack Obama is enjoying a 5-week lead over John McCain. Not only that, but the democrat is leading in all of the battlegrounds and turning red states blue as Mr. Maverick is struggling to hold onto what Dubya easily won in 2000 and 2004. The idea that McCain can somehow overcome this with what time is left is, to be brutally frank, hopelessly naive. While Obama has pressed his message of change for nearly 2 years since announcing his presidential bid, the McCain campaign has obviously lacked anything consistent, clinging to insignificance of Bill Ayers, Reverend Wright, the grossly misleading suggestions made about his opponent on sex education... Barack Obama has been whacked by the kitchen sink and nothing has stuck.
The Republican Party does not enjoy an advantage in a single pressing issue of this election season. Most Americans wish to end the war in Iraq, but do so responsibly; the Obama/Biden ticket has plans for slow withdrawals, while McCain would see troops continue fighting in Iraq until some amorphous victory is reached, and the barometer for such a victory is ever-changing. When times are bad in Iraq, the Republicans argue that we cannot "cut and run" in the face of challenging times. When times are good in Iraq, it is taken by Republicans as a sign that our efforts are working, and so, once again, we cannot leave. Victory, then, appears to be an interminable maintaining of the status quo, something that is anathema to a solid majority of the American public.
On the economy, McCain's recent speeches have been dismally received, and amounted to simply stating "suck it up"...when McCain has tried to offer solutions to the economic crisis they are rash, political, and just don't make sense. Meanwhile, both Democratic candidates offer real alternatives to the growing crisis in the credit markets, the shipping of jobs overseas, and the utter corruption of a largely unregulated corporate world for which previous Republican administrations are almost wholly to blame.
There has been much debate that the hurt feelings left over from the primaries will cause a backlash among Hillary supporters, meaning lower turnout in November. But after a months-long contest between the Republican and the Democrat, such hard feelings will be ameliorated by the understanding that a Republican president means more wars, more lifelong appointments of conservative judges to the Supreme Court (and, given the court's already-conservative makeup, an end to privacy and reproductive rights), and a do-nothing attitude in regard to healthcare and the ongoing destruction of the middle class. Democrats will vote accordingly.
Indeed, the only way in which the Republican presidential candidate will be able to win is to hark back to the two themes that have proven to be winners for the GOP in previous races - terror and taxes, which could be seen in the recent exploitation of Joe the Plumber. But after more than seven years of the Bush administration, we have seen what happens when we vote based on fear and greed. When we vote in fear, more than 4,000 American soldiers die in a war that should never have happened. When we vote in greed, the economy collapses.
Having learned these hard lessons over the years of the previous administration, and given McCain's support for the continuation of Bush's foreign and economic policies, voters in November will no longer be as susceptible to the tactics that have proven successful for the GOP in the past. Awash in blood and broken dreams, voters this November will see these tactics for what they are and, in the words of the Democratic presidential candidate, will say, "Not this time."
And of course I have failed to mention my distaste for Sarah Palin, which was a tremendous exercise in self-restraint for me... I think the thought of Caribou Barbie being one melinoma or 72 year-old heartbeat from the presidency is scary enough. So, with that said I think I'll go prank call ol' Sarah Barricuda... who knows, maybe I could convince her she's speaking with another European president.
- Edwin Edwards, Democratic gubernatorial candidate in Louisiana, 1983 (he won).
Despite their shortcomings at certain points in the primaries, with less than 24 hours to go all national polls indicate that Barack Obama is enjoying a 5-week lead over John McCain. Not only that, but the democrat is leading in all of the battlegrounds and turning red states blue as Mr. Maverick is struggling to hold onto what Dubya easily won in 2000 and 2004. The idea that McCain can somehow overcome this with what time is left is, to be brutally frank, hopelessly naive. While Obama has pressed his message of change for nearly 2 years since announcing his presidential bid, the McCain campaign has obviously lacked anything consistent, clinging to insignificance of Bill Ayers, Reverend Wright, the grossly misleading suggestions made about his opponent on sex education... Barack Obama has been whacked by the kitchen sink and nothing has stuck.
The Republican Party does not enjoy an advantage in a single pressing issue of this election season. Most Americans wish to end the war in Iraq, but do so responsibly; the Obama/Biden ticket has plans for slow withdrawals, while McCain would see troops continue fighting in Iraq until some amorphous victory is reached, and the barometer for such a victory is ever-changing. When times are bad in Iraq, the Republicans argue that we cannot "cut and run" in the face of challenging times. When times are good in Iraq, it is taken by Republicans as a sign that our efforts are working, and so, once again, we cannot leave. Victory, then, appears to be an interminable maintaining of the status quo, something that is anathema to a solid majority of the American public.
On the economy, McCain's recent speeches have been dismally received, and amounted to simply stating "suck it up"...when McCain has tried to offer solutions to the economic crisis they are rash, political, and just don't make sense. Meanwhile, both Democratic candidates offer real alternatives to the growing crisis in the credit markets, the shipping of jobs overseas, and the utter corruption of a largely unregulated corporate world for which previous Republican administrations are almost wholly to blame.
There has been much debate that the hurt feelings left over from the primaries will cause a backlash among Hillary supporters, meaning lower turnout in November. But after a months-long contest between the Republican and the Democrat, such hard feelings will be ameliorated by the understanding that a Republican president means more wars, more lifelong appointments of conservative judges to the Supreme Court (and, given the court's already-conservative makeup, an end to privacy and reproductive rights), and a do-nothing attitude in regard to healthcare and the ongoing destruction of the middle class. Democrats will vote accordingly.
Indeed, the only way in which the Republican presidential candidate will be able to win is to hark back to the two themes that have proven to be winners for the GOP in previous races - terror and taxes, which could be seen in the recent exploitation of Joe the Plumber. But after more than seven years of the Bush administration, we have seen what happens when we vote based on fear and greed. When we vote in fear, more than 4,000 American soldiers die in a war that should never have happened. When we vote in greed, the economy collapses.
Having learned these hard lessons over the years of the previous administration, and given McCain's support for the continuation of Bush's foreign and economic policies, voters in November will no longer be as susceptible to the tactics that have proven successful for the GOP in the past. Awash in blood and broken dreams, voters this November will see these tactics for what they are and, in the words of the Democratic presidential candidate, will say, "Not this time."
And of course I have failed to mention my distaste for Sarah Palin, which was a tremendous exercise in self-restraint for me... I think the thought of Caribou Barbie being one melinoma or 72 year-old heartbeat from the presidency is scary enough. So, with that said I think I'll go prank call ol' Sarah Barricuda... who knows, maybe I could convince her she's speaking with another European president.
Monday, September 29, 2008
A Sickness Called Stupidity
Alright guys, I first have to address that I recognize how long it has been since I have paid any attention at all to this little blog of mine - yes, Father, it has been approximately 120 days since my last post, forgive me of my sin. What can I say, call me crazy but I have something called a life and it got a wee bit busy. Whew. Glad I got that off my chest.
So anyway, here's a topic of discussion that's not at all gender specific (meaning that I'm not going to go off on a rant about feminism or gay rights haha.) Nope, this one seems to plague us all... that is if you're both human and alive. It's a simple sickness known to us as temporary stupidity. You can thank my mildly hickish family's comedic taste for this next one as I quote Bill Engvall: "I was drivin' down the road the other day and had a blowout. So I pulled over into a parking lot, and while I was there a man walked by and said, 'Didja' get a flat?' I looked over at the man and said, 'Nope, I was just drivin' down the road and the other three swelled up on me.' Without missing a beat the man said, 'Well, the heat'll do that to 'em.' " This is a classic example of Tempus Ignoramus.
Like I said, humans suffer from a sickness called temporary stupidity, or in more technical terms what I have deemed to be Tempus Ignoramus. No one really knows what triggers such episodes and there is no sure way of knowing how long-lasting the effects can be. However, one thing is for certain - it's sure to affect an idiot near you. This is not an issue that can be blamed on MTV, video games, or even weird cartoon characters, and it is not age specific either (the one possible exception being John McCain). Here are a few examples of questions asked during temporary stupidity episodes:
- "Do you want to be grounded?" (To my recollection there has never been a recorded response of any child answering to the affirmative in this question.)
- "Are you okay?" (Often asked when someone is coughing; often because they are CHOKING on something. Imagine that!)
- "So you're having a baby?" (This question has often followed the announcement of one being pregnant. To my recollection, no one has ever responded with anything other than a yes to having a baby, as opposed to giving birth to anything else. Yep, that's right folks I'm gonna get Orangutan in vitro.)
There are so many more than the above examples, but these are the ones I have heard on more than one occasion. And yet the question still remains, that question being why. Why does this happen? As best we can tell, this has been a phenomena that has occurred throughout history spanning throughout the ages. Even the great Julius Caesar is known to have asked when stabbed by Brutus, "Et tu Brute?" Now come on it couldn't be more obvious who stabbed the man, but even in his last few moments of life he suffered from a tragic onset of temporary stupidity. Did he not know that Brutus stabbed him? Of course he did. Yet again, the mystery of this sickness eludes us.
While the underlying causes for the onsets of this sickness are unknown, there are ways of managing its symptoms. I'll offer a few here and you can try them out to see which works best for you. As a disclaimer remember that though these suggestions may help slow the progression of Tempus Ignoramus, they in no way are a cure. So, with that being said, here are a few suggestions:
1) The Shaming Method - though more of a negative reinforcer, this method has been known to help curb the amount of incidents in the afflicted. In this method, you are simply to make this person feel demeaned for asking such a question. It must be said that this is not the recommended method, but has nevertheless worked wonders for some.
2) The Pavlov Method - In this method you basically employ the psychological strategy that Pavlov used in training a dog to respond in a certain way to a certain stimulus. In this case, you are going to need to find something that the afflicted likes whether it is food, beer, or whatever effective incentive at your disposal. This is how it works: you give the afflicted the stimulus and allow them to develop a liking for it, and when there is an onset of temporary stupidity, you immediately take the stimulus away. This process must be repeated several times for it to have a lasting effect, therefore this method is not recommended to those who do not have the time to invest in such a thing.
3) The "Deaf Ear" Method - though this is a rather experimental method which has not produced reproducible results in lab testings thus far, it is one worth making note of. In this method, what you are to do is simply to ignore the afflicted's questions that are asked while in an onset of Tempus Ignoramus. In other words: act as if you have a deaf ear and cannot hear them to begin with. This can be extremely effective if employed properly, but be warned, for in some cases this has caused increased frustration and even episodes of anger in the afflicted. Furthermore, this requires one to be resolute and persistent it to produce any positive results.
4) The Nurture Method - This is by far the most widely used and popular, and yet has been found to have the least effect when dealing with Tempus Ignoramus. The scientific community, as a whole, is still confounded as to why this method is still employed by so many. Perhaps it is because the masses are generally non-confrontational, and even passive-aggressive in their dealings with one another. In any case, in this particular method what you are to do is simply to coddle the person and have pity for them because they are suffering from such a tragic sickness. (It is worth noting that although this often reinforces the onsets, there have been some occurrences where this has perhaps caused a remission of the onsets.)
So, as you can see, my friends (another John McCain reference?!) though this sickness is known to be a plague to all of mankind, it is not without a remedy or two. Or four. But always remember that Tempus Ignoramus, though without any known cures, is manageable with the proper treatment. You should consult your priest, psychologist, doctor, and telephone operator before determining which treatment is right for you. Also, remember to use only as directed.
We are always working on developing more effective ways of dealing with Tempus Ignoramus, and though we have not found a cure yet, we are confident that we won't sometime in the next few millenia.
So anyway, here's a topic of discussion that's not at all gender specific (meaning that I'm not going to go off on a rant about feminism or gay rights haha.) Nope, this one seems to plague us all... that is if you're both human and alive. It's a simple sickness known to us as temporary stupidity. You can thank my mildly hickish family's comedic taste for this next one as I quote Bill Engvall: "I was drivin' down the road the other day and had a blowout. So I pulled over into a parking lot, and while I was there a man walked by and said, 'Didja' get a flat?' I looked over at the man and said, 'Nope, I was just drivin' down the road and the other three swelled up on me.' Without missing a beat the man said, 'Well, the heat'll do that to 'em.' " This is a classic example of Tempus Ignoramus.
Like I said, humans suffer from a sickness called temporary stupidity, or in more technical terms what I have deemed to be Tempus Ignoramus. No one really knows what triggers such episodes and there is no sure way of knowing how long-lasting the effects can be. However, one thing is for certain - it's sure to affect an idiot near you. This is not an issue that can be blamed on MTV, video games, or even weird cartoon characters, and it is not age specific either (the one possible exception being John McCain). Here are a few examples of questions asked during temporary stupidity episodes:
- "Do you want to be grounded?" (To my recollection there has never been a recorded response of any child answering to the affirmative in this question.)
- "Are you okay?" (Often asked when someone is coughing; often because they are CHOKING on something. Imagine that!)
- "So you're having a baby?" (This question has often followed the announcement of one being pregnant. To my recollection, no one has ever responded with anything other than a yes to having a baby, as opposed to giving birth to anything else. Yep, that's right folks I'm gonna get Orangutan in vitro.)
There are so many more than the above examples, but these are the ones I have heard on more than one occasion. And yet the question still remains, that question being why. Why does this happen? As best we can tell, this has been a phenomena that has occurred throughout history spanning throughout the ages. Even the great Julius Caesar is known to have asked when stabbed by Brutus, "Et tu Brute?" Now come on it couldn't be more obvious who stabbed the man, but even in his last few moments of life he suffered from a tragic onset of temporary stupidity. Did he not know that Brutus stabbed him? Of course he did. Yet again, the mystery of this sickness eludes us.
While the underlying causes for the onsets of this sickness are unknown, there are ways of managing its symptoms. I'll offer a few here and you can try them out to see which works best for you. As a disclaimer remember that though these suggestions may help slow the progression of Tempus Ignoramus, they in no way are a cure. So, with that being said, here are a few suggestions:
1) The Shaming Method - though more of a negative reinforcer, this method has been known to help curb the amount of incidents in the afflicted. In this method, you are simply to make this person feel demeaned for asking such a question. It must be said that this is not the recommended method, but has nevertheless worked wonders for some.
2) The Pavlov Method - In this method you basically employ the psychological strategy that Pavlov used in training a dog to respond in a certain way to a certain stimulus. In this case, you are going to need to find something that the afflicted likes whether it is food, beer, or whatever effective incentive at your disposal. This is how it works: you give the afflicted the stimulus and allow them to develop a liking for it, and when there is an onset of temporary stupidity, you immediately take the stimulus away. This process must be repeated several times for it to have a lasting effect, therefore this method is not recommended to those who do not have the time to invest in such a thing.
3) The "Deaf Ear" Method - though this is a rather experimental method which has not produced reproducible results in lab testings thus far, it is one worth making note of. In this method, what you are to do is simply to ignore the afflicted's questions that are asked while in an onset of Tempus Ignoramus. In other words: act as if you have a deaf ear and cannot hear them to begin with. This can be extremely effective if employed properly, but be warned, for in some cases this has caused increased frustration and even episodes of anger in the afflicted. Furthermore, this requires one to be resolute and persistent it to produce any positive results.
4) The Nurture Method - This is by far the most widely used and popular, and yet has been found to have the least effect when dealing with Tempus Ignoramus. The scientific community, as a whole, is still confounded as to why this method is still employed by so many. Perhaps it is because the masses are generally non-confrontational, and even passive-aggressive in their dealings with one another. In any case, in this particular method what you are to do is simply to coddle the person and have pity for them because they are suffering from such a tragic sickness. (It is worth noting that although this often reinforces the onsets, there have been some occurrences where this has perhaps caused a remission of the onsets.)
So, as you can see, my friends (another John McCain reference?!) though this sickness is known to be a plague to all of mankind, it is not without a remedy or two. Or four. But always remember that Tempus Ignoramus, though without any known cures, is manageable with the proper treatment. You should consult your priest, psychologist, doctor, and telephone operator before determining which treatment is right for you. Also, remember to use only as directed.
We are always working on developing more effective ways of dealing with Tempus Ignoramus, and though we have not found a cure yet, we are confident that we won't sometime in the next few millenia.
Monday, June 2, 2008
The Anti-Discrimination Bill
Fight for equal rights for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders (LGBTs) by pushing for the passage of the Anti-Discrimination Bill (HB 956) authored by Rep. Risa Hontiveros-Baraquel.
Here's what the bill is all about:
Equal rights, not special rights. The bill does not grant additional or special rights to LGBTs. What it does is criminalize violations to the human rights and freedoms on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity. The bill affirms and promotes human rights and freedoms that are enshrined in the Constitution.
Equality in schools. The bill prohibits discrimination against LGBT students, which usually takes place through unfair admission policies, unjust expulsion, and unreasonable disciplinary actions.
Equal opportunities in employment. By criminalizing unfair labor practices and policies on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, the bill promotes decent jobs for LGBT workers.
Removing stigma in healthcare. The bill bans hospitals, clinics, and medical personnel like doctors and nurses from discriminating against or abusing LGBT patients.
Fighting police abuse. Stiffer penalties are imposed on law enforcers who abuse the law from the anti-trafficking law to harassing, torturing, or extorting money from LGBTs.
Organizing for LGBT pride. The bill affirms the freedom of assembly and association by disallowing discrimination in the establishment of LGBT groups in schools, workplace, communities and in politics.
Equal access to establishments. The bill ensures that establishments that are open to the public like malls, restaurants, and bars, among others, are open to all, regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity.
Gays and lesbians in the police and military. The police and military are barred from screening out competent LGBTs who want to join the force. Under the bill, they are also not allowed to remove LGBT policeman or woman and soldiers due to their sexual orientation and gender identity.
Penalizing discrimination. Under the bill, a person found guilty of discriminating against LGBTs can be fined up to $500,000 and/or imprisoned for a maximum of six years. S/he may also be required to undergo human rights education.
About non-discrimination, not same-sex marriage. Homophobic groups wrongfully claim that the bill is about same-sex marriage. But here's the truth: 1.) the legal recognition of same-sex marriage requires a separate bill, and 2.) there is absolutely nothing wrong about consensual same-sex relationships.
Here's what the bill is all about:
Equal rights, not special rights. The bill does not grant additional or special rights to LGBTs. What it does is criminalize violations to the human rights and freedoms on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity. The bill affirms and promotes human rights and freedoms that are enshrined in the Constitution.
Equality in schools. The bill prohibits discrimination against LGBT students, which usually takes place through unfair admission policies, unjust expulsion, and unreasonable disciplinary actions.
Equal opportunities in employment. By criminalizing unfair labor practices and policies on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, the bill promotes decent jobs for LGBT workers.
Removing stigma in healthcare. The bill bans hospitals, clinics, and medical personnel like doctors and nurses from discriminating against or abusing LGBT patients.
Fighting police abuse. Stiffer penalties are imposed on law enforcers who abuse the law from the anti-trafficking law to harassing, torturing, or extorting money from LGBTs.
Organizing for LGBT pride. The bill affirms the freedom of assembly and association by disallowing discrimination in the establishment of LGBT groups in schools, workplace, communities and in politics.
Equal access to establishments. The bill ensures that establishments that are open to the public like malls, restaurants, and bars, among others, are open to all, regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity.
Gays and lesbians in the police and military. The police and military are barred from screening out competent LGBTs who want to join the force. Under the bill, they are also not allowed to remove LGBT policeman or woman and soldiers due to their sexual orientation and gender identity.
Penalizing discrimination. Under the bill, a person found guilty of discriminating against LGBTs can be fined up to $500,000 and/or imprisoned for a maximum of six years. S/he may also be required to undergo human rights education.
About non-discrimination, not same-sex marriage. Homophobic groups wrongfully claim that the bill is about same-sex marriage. But here's the truth: 1.) the legal recognition of same-sex marriage requires a separate bill, and 2.) there is absolutely nothing wrong about consensual same-sex relationships.
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