Sudden Realization: I Now Hate Malls

I would rather pay all the online shipping charges in the world than shop at the mall, and here’s why:

1.) The people. This, of course, is the biggest reason. If I had the money, I’d create a mall where all of its shoppers were aesthetically perfect. No one would smell, and everyone would have to walk at a decent pace - none of that “I’m gonna barricade the isle with my gigantic ass and then go the speed of dial-up” bullshit. There would also be an age restriction - must be older than 10 and younger than 60. Quite possibly the worst sound in the world comes from the mouth of a screaming child. In my mall, screaming children would have their mouths clamped shut with metal prongs and be forced to recite the alphabet backwards. Anyone who didn’t meet this criteria would have to work in the food court, cleaning up messes with their tongue. By the way, I'm for child labor all the way. Oh yeah. The younger the better.

2.) In my mall, all of the employees would be robots (with the exception of maybe a few children here and there). I can’t stand how you walk into a store and it’s like the Spanish Inquisition:

“Can I help you find something? Are you shopping for yourself today? What the fuck are you doing here? Have you come to steal? Should I call security? Did you know everything in the store is 50% off?”

“No, but I’m seriously getting a tat on my forehead this weekend - it’s gonna say ‘piss off’”

What’s worse is when they follow you around like you’re God damn Winona Rider. Robots would do no such thing. They’d be there to check you out, and that’s it. If you stole, they’d kill. Simple as that.

3.) The restrooms. There’s walking into a bathroom, and there’s walking into the bog of eternal stench - at the mall, your chances are 50/50. If there were some kind of nuclear ass potion whose side effects could offend even a frat house, the food court is serving it. Anyone who took an ass-potion shit in the restrooms at my mall would be sucked down with it after they flush.

This list could keep going, but the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get and I am absolutely shocked at the level of pissiness and profanity that this post has already produced. So, basically, I really hate the mall.