I Have Problems... No, With "Cloverfield"

* Problem: Fat guy videotaping everything. Very unrealistic. In real life, people would’ve been too busy shitting their pants.

Solution: Let Godzilla do the recording. Strap a camcorder around its neck Blair Witch style, and we’re good to go.

* Problem: A group of friends risk their lives for some ugly chick. Also not realistic.

Solution: A group of friends risk their lives for Kate Beckinsale. Or me. Much better.

* Problem: Stupid punks in the back of the theater won’t shut the fuck up.

Solution: Stupid punks in the back of the theater get eaten alive by giant spiders.

* Problem: No explanation as to what the monster was.

Solution: Monster revealed as spawn of Oprah Winfrey.

* Problem: Couldn’t figure out whether I was watching a love story or a horror flick.

Solution: Combine the two genres by having the monster fall in love with the leading lady. Oops, nevermind. Apparently, that’s been done. Then again, so has everything else.

* Problem: A lot of people think "Cloverfield" sucks. Some even say it’s the worst movie of ‘08.

Solution: Those people should see "Meet the Spartans."