Asked Too Many Times

The other day I decided to take the little munchkins up to the Legends shopping center for lunch, ice cream, and the apparently highly amusing giant fountain in front of the movie theater. We did this in the reverse order that we probably should have, and so our last stop before home was to be Chipotle.

If you've ever been in this particular Chipotle, you'd know that the dining area where you enter in line is a pretty confined space (walk around the corner and you can breathe a bit). On this day it was even more packed than usual - a wonderful thing for the embarassing fate I would soon face.

All seemed to be going well. The kids had that satisfied look on their faces that seemed to say "Haha silly girl, we've milked ya' for all that you're worth - ice cream and something other than McDonald's fast food for lunch!" (Little do they know the same folks own/operate both.) I myself was enjoying my very tasty burrito when I smelled the faint stench of soiled undies. Immediately I rushed to 3 year-old Abbey's side to check her, but she was perfectly clean. Then it hit me that Jake hadn't gone potty all day long.

So I asked him. He said no. But the stench of the soiled undies did not disappear, and I was beginning to worry that this smell would pervade the surrounding area and attract a bit of negative attention. I thought to myself: "Sweet Jesus, the child pooped his pants..." Continuing to dread that this was actually what had occured, I asked again; his reply was the same as before. "He just had to have, it's getting worse!" So, with my best effort of a stern expression on a less-than-serious topic, I asked one more time.

This time, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled, "See Bridget, IT'S JUST FARTS!" While a dozen people nearly choked on their tacos, Jacob calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as though nothing happened. I was so mortified I was left utterly speechless, unable to react to the public devastation I had just suffered in any way.

On the way out some elderly people tried to make me feel better when they thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had... and oh, what could I say? Putting laughter back into the world through my personal humiliation is what I do best.

Nanny McBridgee

Last night as I tossed and turned and realized just how much of an insomniac I am, I did what anyone would do in this predicament; turned on the TV in hopes that the lullaby of infommercials might put me back to sleep again. Only instead of infommercials, I watched "Nanny McPhee." And it startled my half-conscious self by the end of this particular movie that I saw much of me in Nanny Mcphee herself. Yes, I know, a wart-faced, nappy-haired Emma Thompson in a frumpy housedress is just the spitting image of Bridget Harman, right? Yet with all seriousness, it made me think about the differentiation between a "babysitter" and a "nanny," and the unique role I play in the lives of the children I look after on a daily basis.

Granted, I don't exactly live with my 30 year-old cousin and her children; by the same tolken, however, I've noticed that I have the opportunity to do more for these kids than simply make sure they don't burn the house down. In everyday situations in which multiple conflicts tend to arise, I suddenly feel an obligation not only to end each dispute on an individual basis, but to resolve them entirely through understandable versions of life lessons. Nanny McPhee has five of them:

1) They will learn how to say "please" and "thank you."
2) They will do as they are told.
3) They will learn to dress on their own.
4) They will learn to listen.
5) They will be prepared to face the consequences of one's actions.

By pointing out what they did wrong, explaining why it is not acceptable, identifying with how they feel to let them know you understand, showing them how to handle it correctly the next time around, and providing firm consequences that will be enforced if they fail to do so, steady progress can be seen. Trust me, there are some days that will make you wonder, but once you witness them actually learn from past mistakes and show you they are capable of even the tiniest thing on their own, pride swells inside you so much you think your ego's going to burst - because you taught them something that will play a part, however small, in making them a better person. And the thank-you that kids give is worth all the words in the world... because it's the kind that you can see in their smile. (Though I must admit that the victory dances and piggy-back ride rewards are pretty fun too.)

Just like that, the little goobers aren't the enemy anymore; our immaturity was. By realizing that, I've been able to turn a pathetic rivalry for power into a relationship governed by respect and maintained by affection and laughter. It is now that we have finally reached this point that the days before my job is done seem to draw closer at an increasingly alarming rate. Like Nanny McPhee would say: "I come when I am needed but not wanted, and leave when I am wanted but no longer needed." Take that, Dr. Phil!

I might just make a good mother yet... someday. Lord knows a blog entry reflection isn't enough to make that any time soon.

As We Grow Older

What happens to us as we grow older? Ask my kid sister this and she'd probably offer a response along the lines of "Stuff stops being cool." If that is what is meant by learning life's lessons the hard way, however, I suppose Kathryn is much wiser than I give her credit for.

But I think that's really what it's all about: how we deal with the lessons we learn in our ever-increasingly confusing lives. I mean, let's face it - life's one long journey, and we don't know where the hell we're going, or how we're going to get there for that matter. We can map out our destination and make all the detailed plans we want, but there's no insurance plan for those detours and bumps in the road that we all inevitably face. What we eventually end up with is never what we expected in the first place; sometimes for the better, many times for the worse. Realizing what reality truly is and learning how to adapt to it is a dire necessity in surviving adulthood. It is now that I see the truth in the words of my mildly hickish Kansas family: "Shit happens."

Those same words now echoing in my mind, I reflect upon the meaning of adaptation. We learn how to make mistakes, how to learn from those mistakes, and how to avoid them as best we can. We learn to pick ourselves up after what has seemed like our world crashing into pieces before our very eyes. We learn that, yes, it's okay to shed some tears over the loss of something we trusted, cherished, and held close to our hearts; yet every ending brings with it a new beginning, a second chance, a new opportunity to give your life the meaning you've always envisioned for it. We learn how to stand on our own two feet, let go of blame, embrace forgiveness, and rediscover happiness. We learn how to show our appreciation and dedication for those we love, because without them you wouldn't be who you are today.

It is now that you glance in the mirror, realizing the person you are today isn't the person you were yesterday. Something has changed... if only you could put your finger on just what that was. I wish I could.

Upside Down Internet

Wireless internet hacking. You may be tempted to laugh this off, but rest assured that it is alive and well in a suburban community near you. Why not just solve the problem by encryption, you say? Well, because letting the thieves off that easy teaches them nothing. And it's kind of lame. So, alternatively, why not have fun with the situation and play a practical joke? That's what I did for my bud Rachel, and it turned out quite well if I do say so myself; looking through her kitchen window and seeing her neighbor's befuddled expression as he sat in his living room was priceless. And pretty darn funny.

Find out how here.

The Stupid iPhone Lady

$16,000 worth of iPhones to sell on eBay: $16,000

First place spot in line: $800

Lesson on greed: priceless

The Seven Deadly Sins: One Removed

Whew... it's been a long day. Somehow (miraculously and only by the grace of God) I have managed to avoid most all that I discussed in my last post. Nope, today those handful of little goobers did not drench me with giant "Super Soaker" waterguns; they just held me at gunpoint until I finally agreed to armwrestle all of them. At first I thought to myself, Ya' know, Bridge, you should probably take it easy on them. After all, they're only kids... Seeing the maliciously onry glint that only little boys are truly adept at using, however, soon snapped me back to reality. And it is because of that glorious judgment call that they quietly marched up to Jake's room to play Xbox, realizing their shameful defeat to a girl. It is also the reason why I could successfully put Abbey down for a nap, get all housecleaning done early, and manage to have some computer time. Ah, sweet silence.

So here I am, and I've just read one of my friend's blog posts. She posed this simple question to her readers: if you were a god, which of the seven deadly sins would you remove? After much deliberation over what my choice would be (a whole two minutes worth!) I decided that if I were God (which I might actually be, after all if I were an all-powerful being I might choose to live a normal life as a human being and deny myself the ability to realize it, in essence giving my all-powerfulness an original take on things) the deadly sin I would remove from the list would be lust. My reason for removing lust would simply be because I feel lust recognized can be used for one's positive progression through life. Sure, lust in the negative can have damning ramifications, but lust in a positive, open forum can help add zest to life.

For instance, if my boyfriend were to come home from work and share with me how some big-boobed leggy ho-bag really got his lusty juices flowing, as long as I could keep my ego in check that lust gets directed at me. And since I know that he will truly only ever be in love with me, it sounds like a "win-win" situation; I see nothing wrong with taking motivation from an outside source and applying it to help strengthen my bonds. Lust gets messy only when ego and jealousy are not in check. Let's face it - lust is an ancient sin, devised to help lesser evolved beings protect themselves from their own egos. Now that the human race is reaching a state of higher elevation and thinking we can now embrace lust and use it as a tool. Yay.

But you know, one deadly sin removed would mean that a substitute would have to take its place; such things are necessary to maintain a sense of balance in the world. And since we have established that I am quite possibly a divine being, I hereby name the new seventh deadly sin... BRATTINESS! That's right - and don't think I don't reserve the right to define what that entails!