Dear period,
Thanks a whole lot for coming to visit me today. No, I really mean that. I'm not being sarcastic at all. (Snort) My family just adores walking on eggshells and having to duck flying objects at a moment's notice when something is not particularly to my liking. I am all too happy to lay on my bed and wiggle into my jeans, sputtering a string of colorful expletives while trying to fasten the button over the bloat that wasn't there yesterday. And what woman doesn't love desperately hunting through drawers at 3 in the morning for a box of Midol while you wring out her uterus like a Brawny paper towel? Cramps are where happy goes to die. And the mood swings... are to die for. I mean that literally. Nothing brings out the homicidal maniac in me quite the way you do. Let me put it this way... you know something is amiss when someone asks you how your day was and you turn around and singe the hairs on their face with what comes out of your mouth. If you really must come around, I would appreciate it if you would do so without hijacking my hormones, depositing three gallons of water in my midriff, and twisting my girly bits until they cry uncle. That's all.
My period was so incensed by this letter that it decided to write me back. It said...
Dear Bridget,
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I have no control over what I do when I show up for my visit. It's actually your own damn uterus you should be mad at - it's as slow as molasses in November and seems to have a hard time getting a jump on the task at hand. Kind of like you. And it's not like I ever show up unannounced... you always know when I'm coming, and it's not my fault you are so scatterbrained that you forgot to go to the store and stock up on tampons and Midol. As for your moods, puhhhleeez... you are incorrigible the other 27 days out of the month that I'm not visiting you. Perhaps you wouldn't sear the eyeballs of your loved ones if you'd lay off the fatty foods that make your uterus so sluggish... which is why you wake up at 3 a.m. with cramps that rival labor pains. And lay off the soda pop... or those jeans are never gonna fit anyway. Face it... you are female and because of this, you must roll with the punches. I don't like visiting you anymore than you like seeing me, but it's time you make peace with the fact that we are stuck together for another 30 years, until it's hot flashes' turn to take my place. If you thought I was bad, just wait. Now stop being a whiny bitch and go eat some chocolate. See ya' next month.
Well then. That didn't work out quite the way I'd planned....
Friday, November 28, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
The Eve of the 2008 Presidential Election
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with either a dead girl or a live boy."
- Edwin Edwards, Democratic gubernatorial candidate in Louisiana, 1983 (he won).
Despite their shortcomings at certain points in the primaries, with less than 24 hours to go all national polls indicate that Barack Obama is enjoying a 5-week lead over John McCain. Not only that, but the democrat is leading in all of the battlegrounds and turning red states blue as Mr. Maverick is struggling to hold onto what Dubya easily won in 2000 and 2004. The idea that McCain can somehow overcome this with what time is left is, to be brutally frank, hopelessly naive. While Obama has pressed his message of change for nearly 2 years since announcing his presidential bid, the McCain campaign has obviously lacked anything consistent, clinging to insignificance of Bill Ayers, Reverend Wright, the grossly misleading suggestions made about his opponent on sex education... Barack Obama has been whacked by the kitchen sink and nothing has stuck.
The Republican Party does not enjoy an advantage in a single pressing issue of this election season. Most Americans wish to end the war in Iraq, but do so responsibly; the Obama/Biden ticket has plans for slow withdrawals, while McCain would see troops continue fighting in Iraq until some amorphous victory is reached, and the barometer for such a victory is ever-changing. When times are bad in Iraq, the Republicans argue that we cannot "cut and run" in the face of challenging times. When times are good in Iraq, it is taken by Republicans as a sign that our efforts are working, and so, once again, we cannot leave. Victory, then, appears to be an interminable maintaining of the status quo, something that is anathema to a solid majority of the American public.
On the economy, McCain's recent speeches have been dismally received, and amounted to simply stating "suck it up"...when McCain has tried to offer solutions to the economic crisis they are rash, political, and just don't make sense. Meanwhile, both Democratic candidates offer real alternatives to the growing crisis in the credit markets, the shipping of jobs overseas, and the utter corruption of a largely unregulated corporate world for which previous Republican administrations are almost wholly to blame.
There has been much debate that the hurt feelings left over from the primaries will cause a backlash among Hillary supporters, meaning lower turnout in November. But after a months-long contest between the Republican and the Democrat, such hard feelings will be ameliorated by the understanding that a Republican president means more wars, more lifelong appointments of conservative judges to the Supreme Court (and, given the court's already-conservative makeup, an end to privacy and reproductive rights), and a do-nothing attitude in regard to healthcare and the ongoing destruction of the middle class. Democrats will vote accordingly.
Indeed, the only way in which the Republican presidential candidate will be able to win is to hark back to the two themes that have proven to be winners for the GOP in previous races - terror and taxes, which could be seen in the recent exploitation of Joe the Plumber. But after more than seven years of the Bush administration, we have seen what happens when we vote based on fear and greed. When we vote in fear, more than 4,000 American soldiers die in a war that should never have happened. When we vote in greed, the economy collapses.
Having learned these hard lessons over the years of the previous administration, and given McCain's support for the continuation of Bush's foreign and economic policies, voters in November will no longer be as susceptible to the tactics that have proven successful for the GOP in the past. Awash in blood and broken dreams, voters this November will see these tactics for what they are and, in the words of the Democratic presidential candidate, will say, "Not this time."
And of course I have failed to mention my distaste for Sarah Palin, which was a tremendous exercise in self-restraint for me... I think the thought of Caribou Barbie being one melinoma or 72 year-old heartbeat from the presidency is scary enough. So, with that said I think I'll go prank call ol' Sarah Barricuda... who knows, maybe I could convince her she's speaking with another European president.
- Edwin Edwards, Democratic gubernatorial candidate in Louisiana, 1983 (he won).
Despite their shortcomings at certain points in the primaries, with less than 24 hours to go all national polls indicate that Barack Obama is enjoying a 5-week lead over John McCain. Not only that, but the democrat is leading in all of the battlegrounds and turning red states blue as Mr. Maverick is struggling to hold onto what Dubya easily won in 2000 and 2004. The idea that McCain can somehow overcome this with what time is left is, to be brutally frank, hopelessly naive. While Obama has pressed his message of change for nearly 2 years since announcing his presidential bid, the McCain campaign has obviously lacked anything consistent, clinging to insignificance of Bill Ayers, Reverend Wright, the grossly misleading suggestions made about his opponent on sex education... Barack Obama has been whacked by the kitchen sink and nothing has stuck.
The Republican Party does not enjoy an advantage in a single pressing issue of this election season. Most Americans wish to end the war in Iraq, but do so responsibly; the Obama/Biden ticket has plans for slow withdrawals, while McCain would see troops continue fighting in Iraq until some amorphous victory is reached, and the barometer for such a victory is ever-changing. When times are bad in Iraq, the Republicans argue that we cannot "cut and run" in the face of challenging times. When times are good in Iraq, it is taken by Republicans as a sign that our efforts are working, and so, once again, we cannot leave. Victory, then, appears to be an interminable maintaining of the status quo, something that is anathema to a solid majority of the American public.
On the economy, McCain's recent speeches have been dismally received, and amounted to simply stating "suck it up"...when McCain has tried to offer solutions to the economic crisis they are rash, political, and just don't make sense. Meanwhile, both Democratic candidates offer real alternatives to the growing crisis in the credit markets, the shipping of jobs overseas, and the utter corruption of a largely unregulated corporate world for which previous Republican administrations are almost wholly to blame.
There has been much debate that the hurt feelings left over from the primaries will cause a backlash among Hillary supporters, meaning lower turnout in November. But after a months-long contest between the Republican and the Democrat, such hard feelings will be ameliorated by the understanding that a Republican president means more wars, more lifelong appointments of conservative judges to the Supreme Court (and, given the court's already-conservative makeup, an end to privacy and reproductive rights), and a do-nothing attitude in regard to healthcare and the ongoing destruction of the middle class. Democrats will vote accordingly.
Indeed, the only way in which the Republican presidential candidate will be able to win is to hark back to the two themes that have proven to be winners for the GOP in previous races - terror and taxes, which could be seen in the recent exploitation of Joe the Plumber. But after more than seven years of the Bush administration, we have seen what happens when we vote based on fear and greed. When we vote in fear, more than 4,000 American soldiers die in a war that should never have happened. When we vote in greed, the economy collapses.
Having learned these hard lessons over the years of the previous administration, and given McCain's support for the continuation of Bush's foreign and economic policies, voters in November will no longer be as susceptible to the tactics that have proven successful for the GOP in the past. Awash in blood and broken dreams, voters this November will see these tactics for what they are and, in the words of the Democratic presidential candidate, will say, "Not this time."
And of course I have failed to mention my distaste for Sarah Palin, which was a tremendous exercise in self-restraint for me... I think the thought of Caribou Barbie being one melinoma or 72 year-old heartbeat from the presidency is scary enough. So, with that said I think I'll go prank call ol' Sarah Barricuda... who knows, maybe I could convince her she's speaking with another European president.
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